Hearer

They said, it wouldn't hurt,

One hurt so bad, I still carry a scar,

Another changed me forever,

Another stole me of my childhood,

Another I have to choose to forgive daily.

They said they wouldn't leave,

One doesn't even remember,

Another two are ash,

Another was just lying,

Another makes me feel lonely even now.

They said it would get better,

One ran away cause it got worse,

Another gave up and said they were wrong,

Another said maybe you deserve it,

Another makes me wish they just didn't say anything.

They say and keep saying,

I choose to not listen anymore,

Except to the One who is same forever,

Says what He does and does what He says,

So much better than any other, none can compare.

Failure of speech

I open my mouth and words fail me,

I try being strong and tears stream,

I stand up tall, only to feel dizzy,

Smile, I’ve noticeably lost its beam.

I am okay, just a little cold in here,

Excuses and things to cover up,

No I don’t feel it, I don’t feel fear,

I try hard to stay away from the cup.

I need something to numb me down,

It was easier before to light up the cig',

I wish I could sprint the town,

Buried in water far from any rig.

Could I decide never to speak again?

Could I ignore and go about life?

Yes, I have strength even with pain.

Won’t talk even if you hold a knife.

No more talk I am done talking,

No one to know what is inside,

Stable, yet my insides knocking,

I know all I can do is to hide.

 

Sweet Surrender

Suddenly the world and its glitter seems fading,

I am so in love and Your ways I’m appreciating,

I feel a breaking inside, but it’s so sweet,

Someday to dance with You and meet.

I feel I’m being poured out, an empty cup,

Awaiting Your in-fillling, come fill me up.

All I have belongs to you, it’s a sweet surrender,

To you my life, my breath, my living I render.

I hear you whispering in the quietness of my soul,

Your plans to perfect me and make me whole,

You just ask me to submit to Your will,

You promise a new start, a new thrill.

It gets difficult as my self gets in the way,

I need You to help me die to self, I pray.

In Jesus' embrace

The world is choking me,

The wind is too cold,

Everywhere its hate I see,

I find myself no more bold.

Yet in a still quiet voice I hear Him say,

“In the storm I hold your hand,

I know you hide tears during the day,

But always by your side I stand.

You’ll be stirred but not shaken,

Mocked, persecuted, wronged,

Yet you are mine not forsaken.

I will fulfill all that you’ve longed,

Fear not, just be patient,

I rise up on your behalf,

In no way am I latent,

You’re protected from head to calf.”

So now I hold my rest,

With Him I pass every test,

Through wind and storm,

rain, hail, cold and warm,

I know His loving embrace,

I feel safe in Jesus’ grace.

If only you knew...

You try and try to be my flesh’s thorn,

Spewing your aggression and scorn,

In arrogance you deny your own blood,

Remember, big pride is followed by a big thud.

This time you tried to make me cry,

But I stood strong and said goodbye.

I choose to ignore you and bless you,

Even when wounds you try to renew.

But thankfully I know the truth,

And I am not one of the devil’s brute.

I know it’s not you, but the evil one,

Trying to always get us undone,

I forgive and forgive as God give’s me grace,

Someday I’ll have strength to see you face to face,

Without feeling so angry and hurt inside,

I chose only Jesus to be my guide.

I know He loves you as He loves me,

Only wish your blind eyes could see,

The black magic, the godmen who mislead,

The one’s who misguide your every deed,

Be released I pray in Jesus name,

Be set free, from all this evil, so lame.

Wait

I laugh now when I look back,

This was one of satan’s attacks

To use a sweet smile, calm voice,

I realise I have no ability in choice.

All I can say is God saved me,

He truly completely set me free.

‘Do not let love awaken before time’,

A warning in my head to chime,

From the Word of God I adore,

Please do the same I implore!

It calls for wisdom to comprehend,

As the wind blows a tree shall bend,

Such can be a human’s love so frail,

To put you behind thick tear’s veil.

Beware men, women, young and old!

Falling for the wrong one, is not bold,

It is courageous to wait for true love,

Awaiting guidance from the One above.

He has not willed for man to be alone.

Wait for from your bones is a bone.

From darkness to true love's light

She dreamt a dream of a perfect love with a man,
Her dream became real as real as ever can,
A sweet friendship blossomed to stand the test,
Seemed so real, Ecstasy, she ignored all the rest.
But she didn't see the grey in the violet sky,
The colours of love for him left her to cry.
Red for the violence, blue for the lust,
She was wrong to think in man to trust.
For the first time she gave it all,
Only to be beat up and take the fall.
Black for the darkness that tried to eat her,
White for the sweet nothings that beat her,
Brown for the mud on which she lay facewards,
Transparent the tears for a love that went waywards.
Looking at a knife to release her from this life.
Her corpse beckoned to a vast sea by her strife.

Then suddenly like a sunray of hope,
When her life lost all its scope,
Jesus spoke in a voice so clear,
It calmed down all  pain and fear,
You give up your life in haste,
Without thinking what you would waste,
I gave up my life for you to have life,
I bore the pain to give you strength in strife,
You know my promises yet you chose the world,
No human is perfect and Holy as I am Holy,
Only through me can you overcome the worldly.
She threw the knife lifted from drunken to sober,
Dead to her old self, renewed for His glory to conquer,
A new creation, she lived for Jesus completely,
He taught her His ways and she did greatly.

As per God's will she found the one meant to be,
He said your the bone of my bones, can you see,
They prayed, they fasted and sought Gods advice,
To start together the work of ministry, and rise,
Together in love they laboured being perfected each day,
Both realised they wouldn't want life any other way.

A prayer

God confirm Your prophesy,

Give me a vision so I can see clearly.

Haven’t I been saved from the curse?

Why am I being attacked much worse?

Why do the ones I love suffer in front of me?

And yet I can’t reach out - a feeling of inadequacy.

I wanted to spread my arms around them,

But my arms fall short, increaseth the chaos and tandem.

My voice remains unheard again trapped, stuck,

I put my trust in You and not in fortune or luck.

I am on my knees, I surrender it all,

I need you to be my Rock to stand tall,

Take away these emotions dry them totally,

Forgive all the fault You find within me.

Lord don’t restore me to the one I love,

But please help them know Your there above,

Renew their trust in You like never before,

Give them hope for what’s in store.

I can’t reach out so Lord do it for me,

I sacrifice my joy place it on the altar for thee.

Take it my Lord as I let go,

What's really in my heart only You know.

Oh Whatever!

Holding a porcupine in my hand,
It pushes me further into the sinking sand
I'm gasping for breath, but no struggle
I lied for the first time but  does it matter?
I'm going to lie from now on for a starter
No I won't let go just to satisfy your guilt
Not man enough to filter others opinion filth
Cant stand on your own too feet and take a stand
I'm angry but I stand strong just for you
Try your best I am here to stay as my promise true
Your pretense is an Oscar winner for sure
Don't underestimate me I can endure

I am drenched in vanilla twilight (courtesy: Vanilla twilight- Owl City)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JE0HovpAzw

The stars lean down to kiss you

And I lie awake and miss you

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly

But I'll miss your arms around me

I'd send a postcard to you, dear

Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue

But it's not the same without you

Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad

Till I look at my hands and feel sad

Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways

Though I haven't slept in two days

Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight

I'll sit on the front porch all night

Waist deep in thought because when

I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink

I'll think of you tonight

(Tonight, tonight, tonight...)

I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter

And heavy wings grow lighter

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew

But I swear I won't forget you

Oh if my voice could reach back through the past

I'd whisper in your ear:

"Oh darling I wish you were here"

Running thoughts

Well forgive me today I am going to be downright honest about what I feel. Certain things in my life especially those that happened around my teens and pre-teens has bugged me to the core... I have dealt with this anger and overcame it, but a certain incident has reopened my wounds and has caused me stress with interest..

Why cant people just be real? Why cant they be honest? Why cant they be satisfied with the little things in life? why is the measure of happiness based on their bank balances and wallets? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy????????

Has family lost its value? Is love just meant for fairytales in their dictionaries? Where is the childhood where a kid a can be a kid and not have to prove they are super genius? When a kid achieves something for their folks where's that appreciation hug or kiss? Where's the fathers who really cared to provide beyond money? Where are the mothers who protected their kids beyond their lives? Where are the siblings who love laughed played and supported each other? WHEREEEEE??????????

Am I a fool? Have I dreamed a dream? Is it too simple? Is it stupid? I just wanna shut myself in a vacuum and scream, cry, yell .. I want a punching bag that i can punch till it has no filling left in it... I feel like a kid throwing a tantrum.. But allow me to cos i couldn't be much of a kid when I should've been...  If no one likes it.. too bad its your problem not mine...

Look down upon me for my grandparents and parents mistakes all you like but remember you may be missing out on a chance to know me... I am not my father, I am not my mother, I am not my sister, I am not my brother, I am not my aunt, I am not my uncle, I am not my cousin sister, I am not like any of my grandparents.. I AM ME.. an individual.. genes carry traits but personality is developed by my choices... Who am I?
I am me.. Love me, Hate me or ignore me, but remember I am capable of loving, living and proving your judgments wrong.. I may not be great, but I always work towards improving myself and getting an edge not to trample someone else, but to better my life and to make the lives of the people I love easier..
Yes I love to death, I like to adore, I hate evil, i dislike presumptions... I am not ordinary or one amongst the crowd, I was created unique, I didn't evolve from a monkey, I was formed in my mother's womb for a special purpose.. There have been times I wanted to end my life and I am not scared to say it, but i have grown over that and realised how special life can be... I have learnt that to wait for true love is rewarding... I have learnt that there's beauty in the ashes. I have learnt that life always takes a new turn when u least expect.. What's going to happen?? I do not know.. I don't want to know because astrology is a curse I am satisfied in knowing that a surprise is waiting for me and in the end when the plan unfolds it will make sense.. Thank you God for making my life so beautiful. I don't feel angry anymore because I am reminded about the beauty in my life... So thank you God.. and sorry for the mindless ramble.. Just thoughts as they were running in my head. I have got my peace, so I am going back to living life.

Fading

The voices are getting louder
Heart is beating faster
The pain is cutting deeper
Breath is getting heavier

Insides are turning
The wide world is tumbling
Voice and strength are failing
Now its getting darker, fading

Misery of distance

Was your voice a whisper in the dark?
Was your smile a figment of my imagination?
Was your shadow a phantom flying about?
Were you a ghost of my own making?

The answer is no, your just far away.
How long till I have you with me?
How do I bear this separation?
Will we survive this distance?

My words don't even rhyme,
As I write these lines,
The rhythm is gone out of me.
Await I the day we meet.

Expression (August 29, 2006)

Words all that had to be said to reach out

Love that had to be shown and not hidden

Dreams that got buried along with you

Tears i wish i could stop but nothing helps

Laughter that once gave life haunts me on

Memories sweet shattered along with the windshield

Friendship that is paused till I breath my last here

Changes come with your absence are hard to accept

Secrets only for you locked up in my heart untold

Wedding dress buried never to be worn at your wedding

Road to your funeral mass breaks me everytime

Relief yet to be found , So help me God

He is good (December 04, 2005)

Sweet music to soothe the soul,

love it when the Lord's in control.
i found comfort  in  His presence,
Where i learnt most of life's lessons.
He is enthroned in our praises
lift Him up as the music raises

 

He is good, He is good
and His love endures forever

 

The world is out to get you
pull you down and make you blue
But trust in Him for the world He has overcome
Victory in Him is reality, why doubt him its cumbersome

No one can love you like he did, paid with his life

For you alone, became healing, took away your strife

To the true one (December 04, 2005)

Sometimes in our walk of life we take a wrong turn

Striving in vain, realising late there's nothing to earn

Why did i take my eyes of my crown at the finishing line

Why did i turn away from my true love so perfect and fine

What was I running away from only tiring myself out

Running from the land of living water never dying sprout

Just because the world didnt agree with my view

Why did I turn away from something i knew was true

I wanna come back so i run to you

You accept me back merciful and true

Here I am in full surrender, a living sacrifice

From now on your in control, you roll the dice

Traditional day (December 05, 2005)

Its 2:30 am right now and im still wondering if i shud go to college tomorrow esp since its traditional day.... part of me wants to go n take a chance but part of me knows that im not strong enough to face it... not because of something horrible that happened on the day... but because of the memories it brings... memories i can never relive... its been so long and ive been tryn to cope with the losses in my life... one of them being the sister n best friend.

 

I remember traditional day 2002 as vivid as vivd can get... dressin up in a sleeveless salwar wearing traditional jewellery... eyeliner for the first time (Lydia's mom had put it on for me)... my new hair cut was awesome was all set for an awesome day... looking very different... there Nelli was all stunning in a stol, halter neck n skirt(very traditional looking) i remember meetin up with all my JC mates ... we all hit the dance floor jiving our hearts out...

 

we were all so young innocent naive and were havin the best day of our lives... Little did we know that senior college would take a toll on us... growin up also brought in complications (boys and heartbreak)...... that day we were truly ourselves just havin fun .. the last day i can remember when we all had no regrets, no hurt, no hitches... we were free n wild

 

 

That traditional day we spent the whole day together poured our hearts out... everything was out our lives crystal clear to each other.... cried n laughed in euphoria n ecstacy.... we felt like we should never let go... i know we never wanted to... but life took its own turn

 

 

Everythng was fine until a 'K' 'A' and 'C' came into our lives... a turmoil of events...... then the separation as i had to part ways to go to Cal.... was like i was leaving Mumbai forever.. the day i left she was there gave me a locket n showed she cared she was one of the few people who actually came to see me off.... Nelli was there with a hug ill never forget n a promise of being there forever... a promise on a piece of paper i still hold dear ...... then it went all dry when i was in cal ... was difficult to stay in touch esp since i was grounded beyond one's imagination..... (wasnt allowed to talk to neone much .. not allowed to go out at all except with my lisa n to the shop n all this with an escort) i cried everyy night every day and prayed with all my heart,,,, not for mercy in my situation but only for one thing i  wanted to see my friends again.. wanted to go back to collegein Mumbai...

 

God did finally answer alll my prayers.... i was back in town... lost touch with em but tried sooo desperately to get in touch ... after about 4 or 5 months i did... by then i had so much to tell em .... we met up n shared our hearts out all over again ..... but things changed ... we all turned cold.. no fault of ours... the distance grew.... college started ,,, by Gods grace i managed to fight my way back to Xaviers.... but it meant new classmates n a course that got too hectic with very different from theirs.... many other problems came in .. we tried hard to keep us goin .. never let go till the end (i still cant let go)

She gave me my first and the only surprise party till date (felt so precious).. hehehe i already knew about the party cos my guest list was hard to create without them goin via me.. esp since i had about 50 potential invitees and mom finally let it out so i could dit the list without hurtin neone....... but it still felt precious that she thought of pullin it off... she didnt know tht i already knew about it... so i played the whole im sooo surprised gig....

 

then we both got busy ... all the events i was doin took most of my time... made her a part of my life as much as i cud...... still wasnt enuff,,...... then a major tiff between her  n two of my otha close frnds... put my heart n soul to bring em to reconcile... finally afta 2 months they managed to start talkin to each other again....

then there were the exams .. afta which i called her n we decided to meet up n catch up on sooo much we needed to tell each other..... the last words i ever heard from her were - " Ill call you next week Thursday before good friday.... we will meet up... call you later"

 

A calll i never received a meeting that would never be ....... the calll from an unexpected voice in a weird tone- She died

 

A shock i still bear, pain i still feel no matter how much people tell me to move on.... easy to say.. when i have to face each day without someone i held precious everyday... someone who became a pat of me suddenly cut away(imagine a body part cut off).. imagine walkin your friend in her wedding dress only to her grave ... imagine all the shattered dreams... we planned to see each other married happily... even named her kids.....

 

That traditional day will never be again... not without her... i cant face it .. i just cant sooo everybody stop asking me why i cant go...... im not strong enough... ill just go out n do something different might do something crazy something different ull will see soon... so let the traditional day be where its at... may someone have the same fun i had that day todayy in this traditional day but never face the pain i had tooo...

 

Ive leanrt one thing is you never stop missing someone.... you never move on esp when you love that person... so spare me all the 'Forget it alll' n 'move on' talk ... had it ... i know its been two years since but i never want to forget her ... she lives in my memories... i want her to live... so let me be