Its 2:30 am right now and im still wondering if i shud go to college tomorrow esp since its traditional day.... part of me wants to go n take a chance but part of me knows that im not strong enough to face it... not because of something horrible that happened on the day... but because of the memories it brings... memories i can never relive... its been so long and ive been tryn to cope with the losses in my life... one of them being the sister n best friend.
I remember traditional day 2002 as vivid as vivd can get... dressin up in a sleeveless salwar wearing traditional jewellery... eyeliner for the first time (Lydia's mom had put it on for me)... my new hair cut was awesome was all set for an awesome day... looking very different... there Nelli was all stunning in a stol, halter neck n skirt(very traditional looking) i remember meetin up with all my JC mates ... we all hit the dance floor jiving our hearts out...
we were all so young innocent naive and were havin the best day of our lives... Little did we know that senior college would take a toll on us... growin up also brought in complications (boys and heartbreak)...... that day we were truly ourselves just havin fun .. the last day i can remember when we all had no regrets, no hurt, no hitches... we were free n wild
That traditional day we spent the whole day together poured our hearts out... everything was out our lives crystal clear to each other.... cried n laughed in euphoria n ecstacy.... we felt like we should never let go... i know we never wanted to... but life took its own turn
Everythng was fine until a 'K' 'A' and 'C' came into our lives... a turmoil of events...... then the separation as i had to part ways to go to Cal.... was like i was leaving Mumbai forever.. the day i left she was there gave me a locket n showed she cared she was one of the few people who actually came to see me off.... Nelli was there with a hug ill never forget n a promise of being there forever... a promise on a piece of paper i still hold dear ...... then it went all dry when i was in cal ... was difficult to stay in touch esp since i was grounded beyond one's imagination..... (wasnt allowed to talk to neone much .. not allowed to go out at all except with my lisa n to the shop n all this with an escort) i cried everyy night every day and prayed with all my heart,,,, not for mercy in my situation but only for one thing i wanted to see my friends again.. wanted to go back to collegein Mumbai...
God did finally answer alll my prayers.... i was back in town... lost touch with em but tried sooo desperately to get in touch ... after about 4 or 5 months i did... by then i had so much to tell em .... we met up n shared our hearts out all over again ..... but things changed ... we all turned cold.. no fault of ours... the distance grew.... college started ,,, by Gods grace i managed to fight my way back to Xaviers.... but it meant new classmates n a course that got too hectic with very different from theirs.... many other problems came in .. we tried hard to keep us goin .. never let go till the end (i still cant let go)
She gave me my first and the only surprise party till date (felt so precious).. hehehe i already knew about the party cos my guest list was hard to create without them goin via me.. esp since i had about 50 potential invitees and mom finally let it out so i could dit the list without hurtin neone....... but it still felt precious that she thought of pullin it off... she didnt know tht i already knew about it... so i played the whole im sooo surprised gig....
then we both got busy ... all the events i was doin took most of my time... made her a part of my life as much as i cud...... still wasnt enuff,,...... then a major tiff between her n two of my otha close frnds... put my heart n soul to bring em to reconcile... finally afta 2 months they managed to start talkin to each other again....
then there were the exams .. afta which i called her n we decided to meet up n catch up on sooo much we needed to tell each other..... the last words i ever heard from her were - " Ill call you next week Thursday before good friday.... we will meet up... call you later"
A calll i never received a meeting that would never be ....... the calll from an unexpected voice in a weird tone- She died
A shock i still bear, pain i still feel no matter how much people tell me to move on.... easy to say.. when i have to face each day without someone i held precious everyday... someone who became a pat of me suddenly cut away(imagine a body part cut off).. imagine walkin your friend in her wedding dress only to her grave ... imagine all the shattered dreams... we planned to see each other married happily... even named her kids.....
That traditional day will never be again... not without her... i cant face it .. i just cant sooo everybody stop asking me why i cant go...... im not strong enough... ill just go out n do something different might do something crazy something different ull will see soon... so let the traditional day be where its at... may someone have the same fun i had that day todayy in this traditional day but never face the pain i had tooo...
Ive leanrt one thing is you never stop missing someone.... you never move on esp when you love that person... so spare me all the 'Forget it alll' n 'move on' talk ... had it ... i know its been two years since but i never want to forget her ... she lives in my memories... i want her to live... so let me be
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