Expression (August 29, 2006)

Words all that had to be said to reach out

Love that had to be shown and not hidden

Dreams that got buried along with you

Tears i wish i could stop but nothing helps

Laughter that once gave life haunts me on

Memories sweet shattered along with the windshield

Friendship that is paused till I breath my last here

Changes come with your absence are hard to accept

Secrets only for you locked up in my heart untold

Wedding dress buried never to be worn at your wedding

Road to your funeral mass breaks me everytime

Relief yet to be found , So help me God

He is good (December 04, 2005)

Sweet music to soothe the soul,

love it when the Lord's in control.
i found comfort  in  His presence,
Where i learnt most of life's lessons.
He is enthroned in our praises
lift Him up as the music raises

 

He is good, He is good
and His love endures forever

 

The world is out to get you
pull you down and make you blue
But trust in Him for the world He has overcome
Victory in Him is reality, why doubt him its cumbersome

No one can love you like he did, paid with his life

For you alone, became healing, took away your strife

To the true one (December 04, 2005)

Sometimes in our walk of life we take a wrong turn

Striving in vain, realising late there's nothing to earn

Why did i take my eyes of my crown at the finishing line

Why did i turn away from my true love so perfect and fine

What was I running away from only tiring myself out

Running from the land of living water never dying sprout

Just because the world didnt agree with my view

Why did I turn away from something i knew was true

I wanna come back so i run to you

You accept me back merciful and true

Here I am in full surrender, a living sacrifice

From now on your in control, you roll the dice

Traditional day (December 05, 2005)

Its 2:30 am right now and im still wondering if i shud go to college tomorrow esp since its traditional day.... part of me wants to go n take a chance but part of me knows that im not strong enough to face it... not because of something horrible that happened on the day... but because of the memories it brings... memories i can never relive... its been so long and ive been tryn to cope with the losses in my life... one of them being the sister n best friend.

 

I remember traditional day 2002 as vivid as vivd can get... dressin up in a sleeveless salwar wearing traditional jewellery... eyeliner for the first time (Lydia's mom had put it on for me)... my new hair cut was awesome was all set for an awesome day... looking very different... there Nelli was all stunning in a stol, halter neck n skirt(very traditional looking) i remember meetin up with all my JC mates ... we all hit the dance floor jiving our hearts out...

 

we were all so young innocent naive and were havin the best day of our lives... Little did we know that senior college would take a toll on us... growin up also brought in complications (boys and heartbreak)...... that day we were truly ourselves just havin fun .. the last day i can remember when we all had no regrets, no hurt, no hitches... we were free n wild

 

 

That traditional day we spent the whole day together poured our hearts out... everything was out our lives crystal clear to each other.... cried n laughed in euphoria n ecstacy.... we felt like we should never let go... i know we never wanted to... but life took its own turn

 

 

Everythng was fine until a 'K' 'A' and 'C' came into our lives... a turmoil of events...... then the separation as i had to part ways to go to Cal.... was like i was leaving Mumbai forever.. the day i left she was there gave me a locket n showed she cared she was one of the few people who actually came to see me off.... Nelli was there with a hug ill never forget n a promise of being there forever... a promise on a piece of paper i still hold dear ...... then it went all dry when i was in cal ... was difficult to stay in touch esp since i was grounded beyond one's imagination..... (wasnt allowed to talk to neone much .. not allowed to go out at all except with my lisa n to the shop n all this with an escort) i cried everyy night every day and prayed with all my heart,,,, not for mercy in my situation but only for one thing i  wanted to see my friends again.. wanted to go back to collegein Mumbai...

 

God did finally answer alll my prayers.... i was back in town... lost touch with em but tried sooo desperately to get in touch ... after about 4 or 5 months i did... by then i had so much to tell em .... we met up n shared our hearts out all over again ..... but things changed ... we all turned cold.. no fault of ours... the distance grew.... college started ,,, by Gods grace i managed to fight my way back to Xaviers.... but it meant new classmates n a course that got too hectic with very different from theirs.... many other problems came in .. we tried hard to keep us goin .. never let go till the end (i still cant let go)

She gave me my first and the only surprise party till date (felt so precious).. hehehe i already knew about the party cos my guest list was hard to create without them goin via me.. esp since i had about 50 potential invitees and mom finally let it out so i could dit the list without hurtin neone....... but it still felt precious that she thought of pullin it off... she didnt know tht i already knew about it... so i played the whole im sooo surprised gig....

 

then we both got busy ... all the events i was doin took most of my time... made her a part of my life as much as i cud...... still wasnt enuff,,...... then a major tiff between her  n two of my otha close frnds... put my heart n soul to bring em to reconcile... finally afta 2 months they managed to start talkin to each other again....

then there were the exams .. afta which i called her n we decided to meet up n catch up on sooo much we needed to tell each other..... the last words i ever heard from her were - " Ill call you next week Thursday before good friday.... we will meet up... call you later"

 

A calll i never received a meeting that would never be ....... the calll from an unexpected voice in a weird tone- She died

 

A shock i still bear, pain i still feel no matter how much people tell me to move on.... easy to say.. when i have to face each day without someone i held precious everyday... someone who became a pat of me suddenly cut away(imagine a body part cut off).. imagine walkin your friend in her wedding dress only to her grave ... imagine all the shattered dreams... we planned to see each other married happily... even named her kids.....

 

That traditional day will never be again... not without her... i cant face it .. i just cant sooo everybody stop asking me why i cant go...... im not strong enough... ill just go out n do something different might do something crazy something different ull will see soon... so let the traditional day be where its at... may someone have the same fun i had that day todayy in this traditional day but never face the pain i had tooo...

 

Ive leanrt one thing is you never stop missing someone.... you never move on esp when you love that person... so spare me all the 'Forget it alll' n 'move on' talk ... had it ... i know its been two years since but i never want to forget her ... she lives in my memories... i want her to live... so let me be

The 'we' we had is toast (December 11, 2005)

Why did you not read between the lines?

Shouldve looked deep into my eyes.

But made the situation only prickly as pines.

Never strained to hear my heart's true cries.

 

Was hurt for many made promises untrue,

But took a chance on you, took a mighty risk,

Trust was the key word in my love for you.

People say should discard this like a scratched disc.

 

 

You said you'd hold on to what we had real tight,

Wanted to stand up and go against the flow,

But my dear you just gave up without a fight,

All you had to do was to hold my hand & not let go.

 

You never stopped me from leaving,

When i walked out you just stood and watched,

The sight of your tears keeps me grieving,

It was in your hands to stop it being torched.

 

 

Do u want to know why i ran away?

It was 'cause you gave up so easily.

You never even asked me to stay.

I said it had to be over, you didnt disagree.

 

 

Ive given you enough time, Im moving along.

Didnt make out when i needed you the most,

Decided Im better off alone writing my own song,

So as off now, you and me is totally burnt toast.

 

-Azriela

Rambling of my mind today (December 16 , 2005)

Dear Minu,

 

wanted to speak to you but circumstances wont allow... today was the day we planned. we planned it when we were 18 ... freedom. freedom that coems with being 21... doesnt make sense now cause i dont really feel free nemore... but nuttin usually goes the way we plan it.... just wish i could tell you how much i  miss you... i miss seeing your smile .. miss your laughter (as unique as it ever was)... i miss the wamrth the friendship the care.... i know you wudve been there right now... no matter the distance if you knew i needed u... but i guess youll  probably never know

alll the unspoken words bottled deep inside.... wish i just had that one chance that last shot... so i cud tell you how much you mean to me... your my sister... n not one day goes by tht i havent thought bout you.... just wish i cud tell you but take comfort tht you already knew..... i face each day tryin to be strong atleast for the people around... remember you called me your pillar but never got the chance to tell you that you were my strength too.

thanks for the times you stood up for me.. the times you stood with me ... most people alive today lack what you had... the ability to love to love with all your heart... whoever you loved you loved em with zeal... i was priviledge to be loved like that... so many why's and how come's but they dont matter anymore cause all that matters was i met you on this journey called life and thats whts counts.. you coloured my life with a unique blend and shade ... no matter what people say i will never forget you.

all those moments happy and painful ill never forget... we saw each other laugh, we saw each other cry and even saw each other smile and thorw tantrums.... such a short while - 4 years seemed like i knew you forever... girl you were the best friend anyone cud have.. im glad i had you.. im not goin to move on... im goin to remember each moment and be content with what we had... ull always be alive in my thoughts... the only freedom i have is to think what i want to n i will think bout you...

 

you want me to be happy i know that only wish i cud here you say that with that warmm hug with you hands clasped around my shoulder.. n your deep voice consoling me ... but for now ill settle down dreamin and thinkin bout what i had... cause what we had was so precious it will last me a lifetime... thank you sooo much - wanted to tell you that but it was too late... So illl thank God who allowed me to meet up with ya in the first place....

Look at what youve done (November 17, 2005)

I rested on your shoulder for strength

But you dusted me off like i was dirt on you

you removed all tht i cud hold on too

all this in a single moment

 

i made you my angel, an angel of love n light

but in reality you brought in hate n darkness

now im thirsting for water in a dry land

watchin you in the oasis

 

I gave you my best you took it all away

left me empty handed, lost n hungry

Now im too scared to turn to anyone

they might bite

Maybe (November 20,2005)

Dreams shatter like glass into pieces so tiny,

The sound of a heart break echoes in a dark, lonely alley.

Simple things to make me happy, a prince, a part of my illusions

I had everything but your love, I didnt want ur money, ur delusions

Didnt want much just wanted to love you thats all

You made it seem not worth it left my hand n let me fall

 

Chorus:

I  may be broken but im healing

Maybe lost but im surely finding

Maybe sad but im smilin

Maybe hurt but Im growing stronger

Dont want to get back any longer

 

I thought Id be selfish if i let go of you n set myself free

But i only hurt myself, went blind n i just couldnt see

I kept telling myself love meant compromise and sacrifice

Tried to give you my all, it made me start to despise

I changed for you, I wasnt me anymore

Had enough and im walkin out the door

 

 

Your the reason (November 20, 2005)

G C D

 

 

 

Your the reason why Im livin for

Every Step i take i cant ignore

You make me feel alive again

As I dance i feel the rain

Clouds pave my way as i walk

I glow with love for you as we talk

 

 

your the reason (3)

Im living for

 

 

And as years pass me by

Until and after i die

I wanna keep knowing you

You make me feel brand new

I wish i could undrstand why

This way i feel but i dont cry (cos)

 

your the reaon(3)

Im living for

Speed (November 23, 2005)

I almost forgot what speed felt like

Everyday life acting like a spike

But it hit me like a dawning day

That hurdles made me astray

Almost lost all my passion

Lost alll the satisfaction

But someone up there understood

The one thing bring me in the mood

the one thing my heart longed for

In time when life was a low score

Speed always set me free

It always let me be me

No regrets  no looking back

On the road ahead ready for atttack

Nothing can come in my way

Ill be too fast to hear what they say

I feel like myself free and wild

The wakening of the  inner child

No more i bopw to suppression

That develops into depression

Moving onward just the road and me

Speed and I we are meant to be

hmmm.. do we need titles all the time? (November 29, 2005)

A restless storm in my heart

A tornado in my stomach

Pressure crush from all sides

Unseen chains holding me

Darkness surrounds all i can see

Yet a light a hope keeping me strong

No spells or potions .. just rest

Nothing to do with any devotions

My passion remains buried inside

Waiting to come out in vain

All this is for nothing they tell me

Voices to discourage surround

Yet a hand carrying me through

Bombay’s Own Duck – A Fish!! (October 9, 2005)

(A food that does not refer to a duck but a fish)

                 It’s been about 14 years since I have first met Bombay’s (Mumbai’s) unique fish - the Bombay Duck.  My Grandmom had prepared a special dish on my first visit to Bombay, which was ‘Bombay Duck Khadi’, also known as, ‘Bombil ki Kadi’ . My 6-year-old tummy was grumbling for a nice dish that was a preparation related to the species of Donald duck. I absolutely love duck preparations and couldn’t wait to taste one made in Indian Style. I was served a heapful of rice and then came the curry. When I took a bite of the duck it turned out to be a slimy fish with bones so tender you could bite them. It gave me quiet a shock. After a few morsels, I began to like this fish.

The Bombay Duck abounds in the rivers and estuaries around the Bombay docks. This fish is gray-white and could easily pass as one of nature's wonders - its flesh is unique in texture, soft and translucent, and looks almost devoid of any muscles. After cooking it turns superb white and flaky. The fish has a central bone that is very soft and most of its bones are wiry and gelatinous. It has very sharp teeth and may look as dangerous as a shark but its size makes it less fearsome. As for freshness, the Bombay Duck tends to be very smelly if stale; the limpness goes down and the skin texture changes to a pallid buff colour. Another test of freshness would be to lift the gill flap and find see if the gills have their pink-red colour intact.

This narrow, usually 6 to 8 inches long, fish is caught in November and December; the processing goes on from December until March. Under normal cooking conditions the fresh bombil fish is almost rendered to a pulp (bones and all). It can also be dipped in batter and deep-fried. Fisherfolk follow a principle of preparing for the monsoon. Since there is going to be no fishing during the months of rain, they dry, salt and store seafood to consume and sell to people who cannot do without it when there is no fresh catch of the day. Bombay Duck is prepared in two ways. The whole fish is washed clean, split, boned, and dried in the sun. The drying is done on scaffolds made from bamboo poles fixed in the sand. These poles bear bars tied with thick ropes horizontally in lines one above the other. This is the method adopted for the local market. For exports, the fish is filleted and packed in polythene.

                One of the greatest mysteries behind the Bombay Duck is how it got its name. This fish, which is native to the Bombay area, is known locally as ‘Bommaloe Macchi’ or ‘Bombil’. Other variations of its name include bombila, bummelo, bombelli and shutki. It is said that this was too hard for the British, who once ruled India, to pronounce. Thus, it became Bombay Duck.  Farrukh Dhondy, in his book titled ‘Bombay Duck’ writes,

“Bombay Duck is not a duck at all. In fact, it should be spelt ‘Bombay Dak’. What it is, is dried fish (known in Bombay as Bombil) and when the British introduced the railway system to western India under their Raj, it started going in wagon loads to the interior from Bombay. The crates stank of dried fish. They were marked `Bombay Dak' literally `Bombay Mail'. At the time the railway was run by Whiteys. The English may call a spade a spade, but they don't call `stinking fish' by its name. They referred to it euphemistically as ‘Bombay Dak', the Bombay Mail.”

                         How is the Bombay Duck related with the city of Mumbai? As we know Bombay was renamed Mumbai in 1995 officially. So the fish has a lot to do with the name of the city. The Portuguese name ‘Bombaim’ meaning good bay, was said to be from where the name ‘Bombay’ was derived. However, some say that back in 1662, John Vian named it Bombay, after the slimy, little fish, bombelli. This name appeared upon the rupee introduced by the English in 1667. There are others that say it was the fish that took its name from the city and not vice-a-versa. At first, the British exported this fish from the Bombay port. Its existence was made known to the world through these exports. Now, the Bombay Duck is available almost in all countries of the world.

Currently it was found out that many rich vegetarians in Bombay are turning sections of their city into meat-free zones - to the indignation of meat eaters barred from living there. Housing complexes and whole neighborhoods in India's most cosmopolitan city are going vegetarian. They even made many new flat owners, to sign an agreement that they would not eat or cook meat in the vicinity. Failing to do this, the other residents would be able to get them thrown out. The regional Hindu nationalist party, the Shiv Sena who stepped in to fight the cause of meat eaters used The Bombay Duck, known for its pungent odour as a weapon to fight this discrimination against non-vegetarians. Pramod Navalkar a leader of the Shiv Sena said, 'This nonsense will not do! If I come to know of new vegetarian buildings, I'll send the occupants Bombay Duck'

 The Bombay Duck came under scrutiny in August 2003, after a study conducted by the Marine Science Department of Calcutta University and the Metallurgical Engineering Department of Jadavpur University. This study showed that, the mercury content in the kidney and liver of the fish ranged between 1.18 to 1.20 mg/kg. This was way above the safe limit of 1 mg/kg set by the WHO. However, if one removes the intestines and liver of the fish then one can eat it with no burden of worry. The nutritional benefits of the Bombay Duck outweigh this avoidable risk as 100gms of the edible portion of dried Bombay duck provides 61.7gms of protein, 4gms of fat, 15.1gms of minerals, 2.5gms of carbohydrates, 293kcal, 1389mgs of calcium, 240mgs of phosphorous, 19.1mgs of iron.

            The Bombay Duck has come through the years with a long history connected with Mumbai and it looks like it has a long way to go with its large number of its fans in Mumbai and around the world. 

In This Golden Valley I Grow (September 30, 2005)

                     Sometimes life seems hard to bear
                      Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
                       It's then I have to remember
                  That it's in this golden valley I grow


                  If I always stayed on the mountain top
                        And never experienced pain
                    I would never appreciate God's love
                        And would be living in vain


                          I have so much to learn
                        And my growth is very slow
                    Sometimes I need the mountain tops
                   But it's in this golden valley I grow


                        I do not always understand
                       Why things happen as they do
                      But I am very sure of one thing
                        My Lord will see me through


                        My little valley is nothing
                    When I picture Christ on the cross
                    He went through the valley of death
                       His victory was Satan's loss


                     Forgive me Lord, for complaining
                       When I'm feeling so very low
                      Just give me a gentle reminder
                  That it's in this golden valley I grow


                      Continue to strengthen me, Lord
                         And use my life each day
                      To share your love with others
                       And help them find their way


                        Thank you for valleys, Lord
                         For this one thing I know
                      The mountain tops are glorious
                   But it is in this golden valley I grow!

 

                 REMEMBER  Thru what Valley or Mountain...
          The shortest distance between a problem and a solution
              is the distance between your knees and the floor
                      The one who kneels to the Lord
                          can stand up to anything

Im back (A post from August 26, 2005)

Been real long since ive kept ya'll posted,

With my submissions, tied down, toasted.

Everyday I think ill put up a line or two,

It all remains thoughts not much ado.

Long time my songs didnt rhyme,

No guitar, no song, No chime.

Music almost gave up,now back on track,

Couldn't move on without it, im back.

Fill me I feel useless, empty Lord,

Music our connection, my reward.

Help me be faithful with all the gifts,

Even if the earth from under shifts.

I wont give up, give me strength,

Fix the errors and my heart's big dent

The process

From the time since scrapped knees and teary tantrums were regulars to the routine life of an office-goer, I have learnt so many things. Today especially I am haunted by the words my mother told me when I was 16 when all that mattered were my friends.


She said, "Be careful not to get close to too many. Find the few and far between who stand the test of time like diamonds in the coal." I brisked it off thinking what mom was really saying is study more and hang out less with friends. Little did I know this would lead to many disasters in my life. But then these disasters have taught me so much and have made me realised while searching for the diamonds amidst the coal you do get your self stained black and suffer cuts and bruises along the way. But as my grandpa always said - "we are all sculptures and the trials of life chip away the unwanted parts of our life and we stand in the end a beautiful sculpture of God." The same was reinstated in my being when I got to know God and I turned from being an atheist witch practitioner to God fearing Christ loving, Bible believing spiritual being.


So in other words the people that hurt me, I can turn back to them and thank them. And moreover cherish those who stuck by with me through all these years. Sure we had fall outs, but the coming back confirmed a strong bond. I am also reminded about this line from the Bible in Proverbs (a wisdom filled chapter) it says in Proverbs 27:6 - 'Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.'


So friends hurt us, maybe they say things we don't like, but we should appreciate what they are saying if it helps us. But beware in your choice of calling someone friend, because the person may most likely be an enemy if she/he has hidden motives behind what they are telling you. As years have passed by I have realised the importance of testing relationships and getting rid of the ones that pull me down like excess baggage.. Everyone has known me to be forgiving and someone you can always run back to when you want. Well here's some news people, you can run back whenever you want and yes I will forgive, but your place in my life would be secondary and the trust, love and respect I probably had for you a few days, months or even years ago would be much less. I may be forgiving, but I am not foolish. In college was known to be the 'sweet' girl and even taken advantage of willingly and quite knowledgeably, but I have evolved as an adult.


The past one year has been evident of that and I have shocked myself. I have learnt that I am sensitive to the core yet strong and in-charge of my emotions (discovered I could successfully numb myself down and smile even when all I really feel like doing is to curl up and cry like a little baby). Another thing I realised is bitterness is something we all deal with is an area that has to be dealt with not ignored and left in a corner to pile on one after another. The piling up of bitterness finally culminates into something I call a potential-eruptive-volcano ala emotions. Once we learn to look beyond bitterness (something I'm still coping with) there's a freedom and growth that heals away the wounds of our soul. I have accomplished this only by the grace of God and in my conversations with Him, realised how to let go. To be honest there are two people in my life that I have so much bitterness towards that it feels impossible to let go off. So much so I get frustrated with myself sometimes. But then I realised the hurt they have caused me has sculpted me in such a way that I am able to deal with certain things better than most people. So yeay!! bring on the chipping process my dear God.. It's in your plan and process of making me close to perfect, so that all that's human may know about a living God working in my life.

Separating the distance

The sky and earth met at the horizon,

What a beautiful, wonderful collision!

Then came the stars to sparkle the time,

The flowers bloomed and it all did rhyme.

The twilight explained the mirth of the moment,

With red and orange, a shout of joy was lent,

A gasp of wonder at the vastness of space,

If only I could have you here, to see your face.

Calm your heart ‘cause soon the one you long for will be in your arms,

Calm your mind ‘cause soon everyone be used to it, no alarms.

Breathe with me; let’s go, nice and slow,

As time goes by, our love will grow.

Now the darkness of the night is here,

Your far, I realise, I am filled with fear.

I need you to lie right here beside me,

Just to hear you breathe, just to be,

Close enough to hear your heart beat,

So I can rise from weakness to my feet.

I know you feel the fear and the darkness too,

You're scared, but remember our love is true.

Annabelle & Blake I

Lady Annabelle and Sir Blake,
Their love is beautiful, not fake.
In a world where tongues are knives,
And people do not value their lives,
They found each other not to let go,
A promise so strong, time will show,
Blake do not distrust your lady,
Her heart beats for you only.
Annabelle do not lose your head
He is true about the promises said.
Love so strong, yet still to connect,
Love in dreams, cooked by intellect,
But so real, more than reality,
Hang on you both are meant to be.

The hope

I tried to reach out to a love that blood bound,

I tried to reach out to my roots from lost to found,

But it was not in the plan to allow me to go,

I wonder why, but I have no clue, really don't know.

Then in the cold darkness of loss a till calm voice

I have to hear, He is my master, I have no choice

He calmly says trust me she's safe with me

No more pain, sickness, longing nor misery

A beautiful promise, now the tears are dry

Comfort words make sure I'm strong when I cry

A sunset on earth is a sunrise in heaven,

Now I am coping seven times seven.

Soothing my heart

My Seraphim on his harp

What a sight to behold

My heart was cut so sharp

The night was coldest cold

But the music he played for me

A mixed emotion of tear and glee

He played on till he saw me smile

He promises to stay on the long mile

Even more unto eternity

God has truly blessed me

Calming the storm

Suddenly the storm turned to a cyclone,
And the tornadoes made my skies dark.
I almost thought I was all alone,
The air started to bite like a shark.

Then I heard your voice from afar,
Felt your embrace surround me,
You saved me from becoming char,
In your arms I was meant to be.

God sent you're definitely not a chance,
You're not a coincidence, an  accident,
You're for whom I saved the last dance.
This had to be, it was completely meant.

You, me and the night

These days the stars shine so bright,
It's you and me, no one else at night.
You speak words, and sometimes its silent,
You calm my heart down when it gets violent
Its almost like I'm sleeping right beside you
Everyday the same yet each day is so new
Waiting for the day when its no more a dream
When I truly have you in my arms, my light beam

Q & A

Something really beautiful has happened to me. I really can't put it in words. I don't think words from any language, but the heavenly one could describe what I feel. It's not just the way I feel, it's about how everything just automatically falls in place. Now my past seems to have a pattern, that was all developing into what this is today. I have no regrets of the past anymore. I have learned. And all I have learned I'm going to use to make this new turn in my life work.


I am not saying I have no fears and I have no issues, I am saying I found someone with whom I will make it through. So far its been an awesome two weeks. People say its too soon to say. But I say never ever felt this sure about anything. The best part its mutual. Life's situations, the outlook on life, the way we deal with things are all a perfect match. The music and art flowing out of him, is jsut so beautiful to me, it makes my life so gorgeous. I don't know how long I have on earth, but I thank him for making one of the most difficult moments of my life beautiful. Most of all thank God for him. This is not a consequence, an accident, a mistake. This was meant to be. He is my Questy and I am his Azee (Q & A). :)

(C) Rita Ghose

The longing

What is this price I have to pay?

Words are heavy don't know what to say.

When the wind brushes by my face,

Its like your caress, you sitting next to my space.

And as we sit amongst the galaxies,

Your my star, the only one I want to please.

I would do anything just to hear your voice

But in such circumstance, there's no choice

Thousand faces, encircle, they surround me,

But my seraphim, yours is the only one I want to see.

Take my hand love, lets leave everything behind,

I don't want to reason, think, or use my mind.

I just want you here by my side,

Forever in your heart to abide

This weird distance really kills me inside out

Im so restless, want to let go an endless shout

(C) Rita Ghose

Angie's rhyme on my feelings

It's been two days and I've really been restless... My only true solace has been Angie who patiently listened to my anguish.. She took liberty of expressing this in a poem.. The one that is published below.. Love you for this Angie and for your soothing words, without which I probably would have turned pscyho... Thanks for understanding me.

 I miss you

When the rain tumbles down on me,

The drops gently kissing my lips,

I miss you.

When moist pearls of dew glimmer in the morning light,

And I feel their sweetness on my fingertips,

I miss you.

When the moon casts its silver spell,

On my lonely heart,

I miss you.

When two doves twitter to each other,

Promises to never be apart,

I miss you.

I miss your arms around me,

I miss your caress, your smile, your touch,

I miss the way you say my name,

I miss you... so much!

-- (C) Angie

To Angie Paul

A few weeks ago came across a warm smile

A connection that got us talking in a while

A woman so magnificent in strength

Yet her compassion goes beyond length

All I can say proud to be a sister, a friend

Knowing her each day is new, a joy no end

It was meant to be since the first day

A special blessing upon her I pray

She makes my day, and as passes by time

Hope she will always remember this rhyme

Cos she is truly a woman so special and unique

Hope she knows I'm there when things go bleak

(C) Rita Ghose

I stick by you

I closed my eyes, this time I pictured you running away

But then I remind myself that you promised to always stay

Like weapons these thoughts piercing as arrows

Suddenly my sunny day are full of dark shadows

I fight against my mind, because I know you're true

My mind is a battlefield, but don't worry, I trust you

The past mocks me, says I never learn

Says I will surely be tortured and burn

But I really don't have concern for myself anymore,

I have surrendered myself to you, the one I adore.

Your the most precious, I can't afford to lose,

Given the chance again, it's still you I'd choose

(C) Rita Ghose

Worth the wait

I tried to reach out, there was no one around,

I was alone, there was not a pindrop sound.

I used to shiver in the dark, then you calmed me,

For the first time after long someone sees what I see.

Your one of a kind, for you there's no category,

But as always something falls short and can't be.

So what do we do, where do we go from here,

It's worth the effort, let's kill the dreaded fear.

No one knows what the future can hold,

Good or bad, its a mystery to unfold.

But why think of the future and past,

When today is a long day to last?

No breaks!!

Just when you think of taking breaks

Breathe! life will be raising the stakes

I am done with one task then comes ten

Conquer the eiffel, awaits you is the Big Ben

But why complain and fret

This is the only life you get

Fish never stop swimming till death

So back to work after catching a breath
(c) Rita Ghose

Cut it out

Your rooted inside me
You just won't let me be
So I take a knife to cut you right out
You scream in pain, you give a shout
I have no mercy left
You're charged with theft
You stole my trust in humanity
You tortured me now let me free

Virtual dating

Something so simple yet so advanced hit me in the face today...
Technology has taken over every aspect of our lives.. Yeh sure we get
technology to do almost anything even automatically flush our toilets,
but now it's entered our social scene. No, I am in no ways referring
to social networking sites. Just imagine dating yet your date isn't
even in the same country as you...
Well it happened on this very day... from South to South East Asia..
One coffee shop in a mall to another coffee shop in a city suburb..
Wireless internet connection and laptops to aid.. Two people
connected on a completely different level.
One evening after about a year of knowing each other as virtual
friends, they decided why not try a virtual date. They would be seeing
each other for the first time but on webcam. So the time was fixed and
the venues as well. There they were coffees in each other's hand and
time passed them by and they didn't even know it. The result a perfect
date. No complications as simple as ABC. Ill give it a try sometime...
:D

Move to Mumbai: Initial fears

It was January 1997, a misty start of my life and the first time I experienced the death of someone I was really attached to. Moreover, as the story of my life went it was time to shift countries, wherever dad's job would take us. But this time it meant coming home to my country, India. A little bit of apprehension of the change from NRI to pukka (term used to mean complete) Indian set in. I studied Hindi from the CBSE board, but couldn't speak a word fluently.. lol although i always scored well in Hindi (not boasting but around 90 per cent)...
There I was clueless, about how I would fit in.. No more malls, game arcades, white sand beaches, drives down the desert and most of all no more the luxury of my own room, where I spent most of the day listening and dancing to music. As I took down my posters of favourite actors and musicians from my wall, I suddenly felt like I wanted to stay... But it wasn't a choice left to me..

Bitter oneness

Relationships seem to be the root of bitterness
Expectations blossom from that type of oneness
Why fight wars when you can prevent it all?
Just choose to be alone, take a tough call.

Finally.. Im loving it with no inhibitions

Today I finally got the time to write something in this blog of mine, which I started with much passion and determination to keep alive. Now that I have caught my breath and just before I am caught up in the rat race again.. There are a few things I want to get off my chest. The main thing I have done today is answer to myself... Do I want to remain a journalist?
So far in a nutshell I have had people advice me: Do your MBA, you will earn money… Get married and join a magazine, where its 9 to 5 most days... Become a teacher, you love kids nah? … Go study abroad it will give you some time to think about what you want to do...
I just kept listening on everyone’s advice and even heard someone say, all failures land up as journalists… Hmm.. yeah but isn’t failure the stepping stone to success? Well honestly leaving the stress factor aside and the fact that I have now officially become a stranger to my family, a few friends and even my boyfriend – I LOVE BEING A REPORTER.. I fought for it for two years against people saying I could never be one.. sighs… The same group of people have come up to me and said, I proved them wrong.. Well so I am not a failure after all… J As for my personal life I figured I need to be more organized… Well that will take me some time.. But now for me to turn back would be the toughest thing as I am addicted to reporting… crimes, controversies, the power of information, the thrill of breaking news and knowing things first hand, the fact of people believing what I have to say… I guess its time to stop blaming my profession and taking up the challenge.. As of today I was also promised understanding from those a part of my inner circle.. What more do I need.. As for my family.. they are my family not out of choice and will have to be for the rest of their lives…

I can see what's in your darkness

There you go again
Down darkness lane
You don't realise
I can see and despise
All that your trying to hide
You hurt me deep inside
Reality will show
Even when you don't know

Save her

She wanted to love like there was no limit. She wanted to love and be loved in return. But as she transformed into a lady from a little girl, the assurance of finding this love only remained a dream or a hope. The kind of dream that leads one to buy more lottery tickets than one can afford and in the end, land up broke and in debt. That was her story. Broken-hearted and lost that's what summed up what she was until that one day, when enough was really too much.
There she was with those dreamy eyes filled with emotion during that quiet moment at the beach. When suddenly she gave up. She cried out every bit of what was in her and decided to embrace what was in her reach. The fear of landing up a lonely woman with nothing left, but the birds, trees and animals to talk to, led her to what seemed practical and not what she really dreamed of. If all the glass panes in the world broke all at the same time, the sound would be of a magnitude more than any human ear could bear. Her heartbreak was so deep and so big that it was too heavy for anyone to bear. She knew it and she swallowed a ball of saliva and took in a big sigh and told herself, "Grow up girl, face the real world. It is not a fairytale."
As she rose up and walked away from her solitude, she promised never to sit alone and think about her dream. She silenced her mind every time it wondered. She buried herself in work and other cares of the world. People turned and pointed. They called her names, they called her a crazy workaholic, a heartless ice maiden and even a freak of nature. But no one, not a single one gave her a second thought or ever really knew her.
The ice-maiden accepted whatever came her way. Half-love, half-life, half-a-man, half-a-marriage which came with more than full pain, full hurt, full betrayal and an illusion that was far from who she really was or used to be.
Save her. Look around you and you will find her in some woman or another. Don't betray her. Don't shatter her dreams. Understand that deep inside she dreams like when she was just 9-years old for a prince charming. Don't give her illusions of the one unless you are.

HMmmmmm

Here I am now I let it all go,
The consequences, I reallly don't know,
Suddenly feel so light, but alive no more,
Nothing is right but my chin is up high,
But something is missing far from nigh,
Hope within trudges me on the way,
A feeling to smile come what may,
Someday I will have you again my love,
Trusting this with faith in the one above.


----- Ritz

Prayer of my heart

The feelings inside prompt me to write songs
Songs of brokeness and all that my heart longs
Hopes and dreams seemed close but are now far away
Lord give me strength to get up and live each day
I could allow myself to roll in pity
But Lord not with you by me
I choose to be strong in you
Praise you in all I do
Without your love Lord I'd be dead
Please comfort me like you said
I am sorry for the times I wasn't hearing your still calm voice
I am sorry for going astray and making my own wrong choice
In your mercy forgive me
Redeem me, set me free

QUESTIONS

Whats the point in you saying I’m beautiful when you make me feel ugly?
Whats the point in the time and effort, when your not sure exactly?
Why should I give you surety of the future when you say you can do without me?
Why should I not look for greener pastures when you look at every pasture around?
How should I cope and control my emotions when all you do is provoke me to wits end?
How can you expect me to be secure and stable when you yourself are not really sure?
When I gave you my all you threw it back to me.
When I need you never really can make it.
Where am I to go for refuge?
Where can I search solace?


Questions that I had within me that were already there before you now seem simpler
Now everything’s more complicated. You said everything will be ok
Was that a line from some movie you picked up?

PUBLISHED IN JAN 2006

Domestic Airport Suffers Congestion

Chaos prevailed at the domestic terminals at Santacruz on Tuesday as most of the flights, both incoming and outgoing, were running behind schedule putting hundreds of passengers and their relatives to great inconvenience.

Though no tangible reason was given by the concerned airlines it was learned that the worst hit were Air Deccan, Indian Airlines, Jet Airways and Kingfisher.

When the board of the Arrivals at Mumbai was checked on 9th January between 12pm and 3pm it was observed that only about 5 % flights were on time. Deccan Airways flight DN-763 from Bangalore was delayed by more than 2 hours. The Indian Airlines flight IC-165 expected at 9:55 landed at 13:20 and IC-166 from Kochi which was expected at 12:00 landed at 13:25. Jet Airways Flight 9W-350 from Vadodara was delayed by 40 minutes while 9W-328 from Ahmedabad was delayed by 30 minutes. Those flying by Kingfisher Airlines experienced delays of 45 minutes on a flight IT-106 from Bangalore

Marina Rosario, Housewife, said, "My husband is a frequent flyer and travels at least three times a week by flight. Delays are such an expected thing and it is a real harassment to passengers. The delays of 10-15 minutes are all fine but more than that it gets unbearable. People who have to be in time for conferences face so many problems because of this."
People who come to receive their loved ones at airports sometimes would have to wait for hours with no confirmation on what time the flights would actually land. A little bad weather spells out major inconvenience to passengers and flights get delayed for more than 3 hours or cancelled, one of the recent examples being the foggy weather in Delhi.

Girish Nair, Medical Doctor and frequent flyer, said, "It is really detestable how so many flights get delayed on a regular basis every single day and nothing is being done about it. I had studied my medicine about 20 years ago from Moscow and back then come fog or snow flights would at most get delayed by 15 minutes and not more. Here we are in the 21 century with modern technology but people have to bear with flights being delayed by an hour and sometimes even more. Personally I feel the number of flights should be decreased or the landing space should be increased. Instead of beautifying the airports something just has to be done about the flight delays."

Brig. Chowdhary, Retired Army Office, said, "The Airport is like a railway station with people waiting hours for flights to come in. The flight I am waiting for was supposed to land at, but God only knows when it will arrive."

Himadri Katharani, Businesswoman, said, "About half an hour has past since I have been waiting for my niece at the airport. Her flight was to land at \n13:45 but no signs of her yet. The automated real time system said the flight would land at about 14:05 while the live operator said it is supposed to have landed at 14:10."
People who come to receive their loved ones at airports sometimes would have to wait for hours with no confirmation on what time the flights would actually land. A little bad weather spells out major inconvenience to passengers and flights get delayed for more than 3 hours or cancelled, one of the recent examples being the foggy weather in Delhi.


Most people feel that something should be done about this air traffic congestion. They feel that more focus should be put on the handling of air traffic rather than on other issues that different authorities concerned with this airport are more focused on. Mumbai Airport continues to cry out as it is unable to cope with the ever growing air traffic.
Most people feel that something should be done about this air traffic congestion. They feel that more focus should be put on the handling of air traffic rather than on other issues that different authorities concerned with this airport are more focused on. This Mumbai Airport continues to cry out as it is unable to cope with the ever growing air traffic.

When Liars Lie

When liars lie
The others die
I wish I could fly
But all I can do is cry

When liars lie
For them its a piece of pie
But what good is their try
Just to deceive those nigh

When liars lie
They try to deny
The truth they defy
I just cant understand why

The cookie : My life

I feel like the cookie is crumbling again
The cookie is really overbaked and tough
The cookie is totally driving me insane
But thats the way God made it, quiet rough

The cookie has many flavours rolled in one
I could never be bored cause it takes me places
Only God knows when the cookie will finally be done
I dont know if it ends will behind it leave any traces

Ice Man

Mr Ice man your touch has frozen
Your heart beats no more
Your emotions cooling off by the dozen
Here I lay as it hurts doubling by four

I call to tell you but the ice chokes me
I reach out to warm the inner parts of you
I try to open my eyes but the frost doesnt let me see
Theres absolutely nothing to do but lay blue

Hey ice man I hold on tight as the icicles pierce
I ask why but nobody answers me, im alone
The wind rages on, the cold gets even more fierce
Here I try against all odds not to freeze into stone

Toast to my dreams

Close to my dreams yet not near

Building courage against all fear

Learning that change is only constant

The goals to achieve are very distant

Making eveyones smile dawn first

Awaiting the day for my joy outburst

Not giving up no matter what

Going to try till I hit jackpot

When

When your eyes reached out to mine
When our souls began to twine
When my heart began to beat with thine
When you made everything fine

When the skies were grey no more
When I had no idea what was in store
When I had fallen despite efforts to ignore
When to love you opened the door

When all things sorted themselves so well
When in my mind you began to dwell
When all you said, in my heart rang a bell
When all seemed to work out and gel

Thats when I realised I could never love someone more than him

How can one forget?...

Words all that had to be said to reach out

Love that had to be shown and not hidden

Dreams that got buried along with you

Tears i wish i could stop but nothing helps

Laughter that once gave life haunts me on

Memories sweet shattered along with the windshield

Friendship that is paused till I breath my last here

Changes come with your absence are hard to accept

Secrets only for you locked up in my heart untold

Wedding dress buried never to be worn at your wedding

Road to your funeral mass breaks me everytime

Relief yet to be found , So help me God

A Day Aboard the Good Shepherd Ambulance

It was 7am and Amol ‘Bhaiya’ (meaning brother) as kids would call him, got the engine of the ambulance started and made his 2-hour journey to V.T. (Victoria Terminus) all the way from the Panvel Center.
Once he reached a place near a familiar slum, he parked the ambulance and looked out for street and slum children. Some of them who have grown familiar with Amol run from every corner, all set to spend a day at the Panvel center.

As I helped gather the children, I found this little boy asleep right in the middle of the footpath. We tried to wake him up but he couldn’t even lift his body. He was totally high on some sniffing solvent. Amol who is very experienced with street kids told me something very unfortunate. He said that these children could get hold of these solvents at a very cheap price and would rather indulge in these hallucinogens than eat a proper meal. This is not the story of just one child but of many children who live on the streets and in the slums of India.
Before we took off with the children, we checked if they had any kind of injuries that required our immediate attention. We also saw if they were in need of any clothing. After assessing the kids we bought the supplies, which were needed and treated their injuries. The kids, who visited the center before, encouraged the first timers and made them familiar with the routine. They were all excited to go to the Panvel center.


Just as we arrived at the Panvel center, we got the children ready for a bath and gave them each a brush, towel and a bar of soap. Most of them played games, while the rest were bathing. They went to bathe happily taking turns. The staff people also joined the children in their games.


After the boys settled down with a pair of new clothes, hunger pangs started to set in. A strong and lovely smell of vegetable curry made the children get ready to eat a delicious meal. They sat in line waiting eagerly. We all gave a little prayer of thanks before the meal was served and then the children got set to feast upon a filling and wholesome meal. The type of meal which most of them don’t get for weeks at hand.

The Rag Story:

A nameless child ravages through his treasure to find enough to help him get one meal for the day. A treasure that is everyone else’s trash. If this treasure doesn’t suffice for the day the child polishes shoes, washes cars, sells lottery tickets or newspapers, carries luggage for hotel guests and helps at construction sites or garages. It’s even worse for the child if it is a girl. Girls are only forced into prostitution and face being victimized as sexual exploits everyday.

This nameless child is nothing but the face of millions of children working as ragpickers. They labour from the tender age of 2 or 3 and remain in the trade for as long as they can breath on the land.

Each day these children arise at dawn and start their daily routine. They carry heavy gunny bags to collect rubbish, while children their age carry bags of books to school. At the other end of the roadside they can see many children traveling a few kilometers to reach school by bus or train, while they mostly walk barefoot over 20 kilometers a day. These children are clothed with uniforms made of cloth, which is filthy, tattered, ill fitting, and wholly inadequate for protection especially, when the weather is wet and cold.

They compete with stray animals and cattle for recyclable garbage like paper, plastic, bottles, bones, metals and rotting discarded food thrown out by households and railway passengers. They collect and sort out this garbage with their bare hands and fill their bags. If they are able to make good earnings of the trash they rush to the nearest roadside eatery just to fill their little tummies. On the other hand if the earnings don’t amount to much then they resort to other means of earning, which is mostly stealing.

So who buys the trash from them? The answer is regular scrap dealers who give a tiny fee for the loot the children collect. This fee is a meager payment and most of the times these kids go hungry for days. Life is of little value for them and they get into bad habits that seem to give them momentary bliss. Alcohol, drugs and other hallucinogens become their trusted friends. They also frequently get into fights and face dangers that threaten their life daily. Fatal Diseases are never far away. The nights pose as an even greater peril for them as they are physically, mentally and even sexually abused.

In society these children are tagged as antisocial elements, an embarrassment to the community, and unfit to live. Society doesn’t understand that these children have this lifestyle forced onto them. They lack the basic needs that most of us enjoy, as they come from violent and broken homes where there is parental drunkenness, beatings, starvation and deprivation of security and love. Most of them are orphans fighting a daily battle to survive.


In a nutshell most children who are ragpickers are:

· Abused and exploited
· Deprived: lacking job, money, food and shelter, they are forced into begging, thieving, drug peddling, pimping, and prostitution
· Regarded as juvenile delinquents and antisocial elements, they are often falsely accused of crimes and sent to secure homes of correction, or worse, put into adult prisons
· Engaged in gambling, a popular pastime on the street
· Denied education
· Cut off from parental influence and guidance.

The main antisocial habits among these children are:

· They are involved with drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling, and unhealthy sexual habits.
· Since their income is less than their expenses, due to bad habits, they are perpetual debtors to the retail scrap dealers.
· They participate in stealing, street-fighting, and delinquent activities.
· Dirty, they are unwelcome guests at weddings, social gatherings, and shopping zones.
· They are physically vulnerable to health problems and infectious skin diseases.
· They are victimized socially through poverty, illiteracy, and rejection.
· With no facilities available for bathing or laundry, they are forced to live in filth and squalor.(They have no education in Personal Hygiene).

Lies and Liars

Why does it hurt when people lie? A question I was thinking about a lot today. Yes, somebody lied to me infact a many somebodies lately. Whats worse when you know that someone is lying to you and just goes on and on and on, without the slightest knowledge or notion that you might have already found their lies out.
First on you feel like a fool. Why? Oh well because the liar probably thought you were dumb enough to be lied to. He or she probably thought you were not smart enough to find out.Then you think no maybe thats not it. Its just that they think you trust them and you would never question them. Now this stage is very hard for you. It is hard because you end up feeling guilty. You start thinking - "I should've trusted him or her... Why did I have to find out that he or she has lied to me?" That's where I am at currently.
But wait a moment.... Why did he or she or they lie? How can he or she or they look me in the eyes and act like nothing is wrong. I love he, she and them but I am hurt. I just want to be on my own right now. What's better I am very far from he, she and them. All of them cant come to see me.... Isolation... Just me, my dog, my family (whom I can stay away from whenever I like), the stars and the moon at night, the sun at daytime, the birds, the insects and a few towns people whom I can just ignore.
Now I dread going back... I know I have to ... Should I lie and tell he, she and them I'm still out of town? Gees that would make me a liar too. So lies give birth to many lies and many more liars.... Stop lying!! For heavens sake just stop!!! God save me... Heal my aching heart...

Tomorrow never comes

A girl in love asked her boyfriend..
Girl: "Tell me... who do you love most in this world?
"Boy: "You, of course!"
Girl: "In your heart, what am I to you?"
Boy: The boy thought for a moment and looked intently in her eyes and said,"You are my rib. In the Bible, it was said that God saw that Adam was lonely, during his sleep; God took one of Adam's rib and created Eve. Every man has been searching for his missing rib, only when you find the woman of your life; you'll no longer feel the lingering ache in your heart."


After their wedding, the couple had a sweet and happy life for a while. However, the youthful couple began to drift apart due to the busy schedule of life and the never-ending worries of daily problems... their life became mundane. All the challenges posed by the harsh realities of life began to gnaw away their dreams and love for each other... The couple began to have more quarrels and each quarrel became more heated.

One day, after the quarrel, the girl ran out of the house.... At the opposite side of the road, she shouted, You don't love me! The boy hated her childishness and out of impulse, retorted, Maybe, it was a mistake for us to be together! You were never my missing rib! Suddenly, she turned quiet and stood there for a long while.... He regretted what he said but words spoken are like thrown away water, you can never take it back. With tears, she went home to pack her things and was determined in breaking-up. Before she left the house, If I'm really not your missing rib, please letme go..... She continued, It is less painful this way...let us go on our separate ways and search for our own partners.
Five years went by.... He never remarried but he had tried to find out about her life indirectly...... She had left the country and back.... She had married a foreigner and divorced..... He felt anguished that she never waited for him. In the dark and lonely night, he felt the lingering ache in his heart. He couldn't bring himself to admit that he was missing her.

One day, they finally met.... At the airport, a place where there were many reunions and good-byes.... He was going away on a business trip. She was standing there alone, with just the security door separating them. She smiled at him gently.
Boy: How are you?
Girl: I'm fine. How about you... Have you found your missing rib?
Boy: No.
Girl: I'll be flying to New York in the next flight.
Boy: I'll be back in 2 weeks time. Give me a call when you are back...You know my number... Nothing has changed.

With a smile, she turned around and waved good-bye.. Good-bye. One week later, he heard of her death. She had perished in New York. In the event that shocked the world.. Midnight..... Once again, like before, he felt the lingering ache in his heart.... He finally knew, she was the missing rib that he had carelessly broken.

Sometimes, people say things out of moments of fury..... Most often than not, the outcome could be disastrous and detrimental.... We vent our frustrations 99% at our loved ones.... And even though we know that we ought to think twice and act wisely, it's often easier said than done. Things happen each day, many of which are beyond our control. Let us treasure every moment and everyone in our lives. Tomorrow may never come; give and accept what you have today.

Forever

You whispered Forever in my ear
Heard others say that before dear
They came in my life took my heart
Stabbed it deep and tore it apart
But forever sounds genuine from you
When i look in your eyes, I see its true.

Todays poem

Hey what do you know

Im smiling with a glow

Whats goin on you ask

Ill tell you its not much a task

Just met the one who spoke to my heart

Who made me whole when I was apart

The one who won me over inspite of me

he cut away all complications you see

He treats me like I'm a woman, a princess

Makes me feel beautiful, to him I'm priceless

We make each other fall deeper into our love

Trust me, this is love created by the One above

Whispering the need forever

Never to leave just never

A surest security

True embrace finally

Every moment cherished

Life full and nourished

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Hey guys i used to have one of these... dute lil comps... played games on them when i was about 5 years or so... was my bros comp which he would bully me and not let me use.. lol but today the comp is mine

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My true colour

My true color is Orange!

What's Your True Color?

Brought to you by Tickle

One Stormy Moment 2 Years Ago

Its been quiet a few nights where its been really hard for me to sleep.... thoughts within me are just pounding at my door.. They scream for me to take the time and actually think about them.. Sometime ago I had a fight... I fought with someone I dedicated my life to.. someone who is more than just someone... He created me and I have His breath, the breath of life within me.... I was angry with Him .. angry for not letting things go my way... There are just some moments when you feel like you have lost everything and life is never going to be the same... well the truth I found is life will never be the same and I did loose something but not everything... I thought strength was found within yourself.. But the truth is God provides you with a little less within yourself so you dont stop depending on Him... He provides strength in many different ways.. He did give me that much I needed.. when i almost went to the pits He lifted me.. Thank you so much...

2 years back I lost something really precious... Something I will never have again... A friendship that was unique and a sister I am proud I had.. I miss her so much.. 2 years have gone sooo fast it seems like only yesterday that she was here .. laughin like a hyena giving me the most genuine and warm hugs I ever got from anyone... I don't regret losing her because I'm thankful that I had her in my life... we meet so many people everyday we hardly get to know them truly.. I'm glad that when our paths met we actually joined hands and walked the journey of life together for some time... I feel priviledged to be one who knew her deeply.. Someone whom she considered her - Chadi Buddy (lol)... Seems like only yesterday I called her and asked her to meet up with me... I don't regret anything more than I regret not having to tell her that I love her very much.. and that I'm sorry to have not let her known that she was precious to me.. I live with the hope that she already knew.. I stopped blaming myself for it.. cause if I did know what was going to happen I would've done all I could to let her know... I would've told her what she meant to me.. I would have one all those things we loved doing together.. laugh like no one was around.. talk our hearts out like there was no tomorrow.. Some people are priviledged enough to get that one last time with the one they love before that loved one passes away from this life.. I didn't get that chance... I have learnt one lesson in life through this.. is always make the people special to you truly know and feel they mean a lot to you.. smother them with love.. whats in it for you to loose? you'd only gain and prevent yourself from making the mistake I did... Love with no bounds.. smile with no end... cause you never know when bad days hit hard...

I have no complains.. But to be honest it still hurts... Everyday I still think about her.. Sometimes I forget about what happened 2 years ago.. close my eyes and think of those days waiting for her to come from her lectures... hanging out from the train like we used to or just searching for her in the carrom room.... so many memories.. She maybe asleep in the depths below but in memories she is alive... I can only thank God for letting me have her in my life.. though short a while.. I will cherish it forever... I also learnt to cherish every moment every day .. you never know when your time is up... you may never do all the things you planned to do.. so live for today... tomorrow may never come.... I get up everyday thanking God that I'm still here.. I lack a friend only to understand how loneliness feels .. all so that I can reach out to someone who is lonely.. someone who lost something too...

Like I said I was angry with God for quiet sometime... but then I realised there is a bigger picture to life... Life doesn't just move on like a drag it changes.... you learn new things from different experiences... good and bad... Thank God for both... cause the good ones give you something to smile about and the bad just makes you stronger... I was running away from God.. running far... only to realise that I needed Him real bad... now I hang on to Him tighter...

Numbing Down

I have nothing left in me to be.
To react, to cry, to be angry.
You ask me if I am upset,
Scared to say what I'll regret.
I don't know if I'm allowed this rage.
Can I erase this chapter of my page?
Have I made the same mistake again?
Was I to naive to dream of summer rain?
Is happiness just a state of mind,
Absolutely not meant for my kind?
Is trust and love only for the dictionary?
Am I to take it as a joy ride, not seriously?
I guess theres no place for me to be alive
Being numb, a stone, emotionless I'll thrive
Like a parasite feeding on my own emotions I'll grow
Storms tearing me part by part, only a smile to show
Being real has no joy, it has absolutely no reward,
Doesn't get you the prize, you'll not progress forward.

Storms Within

Piercing dagger
Heart's pieces
Messy scatter
Promise denied
Hope killed
Faith confused
Violent cutting
Damaged emotion
Sinking feeling
Beauty fading
Confidence dead
Restless insatbility
Lost smile
Silent tears
Artificial smile
Undiscovered person
Trapped forever

Wake up oh my generation but dont go back to sleep!!

Hmm lets see what did i do today... i was a really good girl!!.. Was at home today.. Working on my project on the recent doctors strike in Maharashtra.. If its something worth while i will post it on the blog... n yeah gotto prepare for my exams.. The last one for this year atleast.. I am graduating.. Yippeee!! I am a big girl now.. Lol... I am really bored today.. and i really wanted to go for a movie or something.. But nah not happening got work today...

Relevance of the doctor’s strike- my life now revolves around it.. Got to find the essence of the strike.. Was it ethical for the doctors to strike?.. Was it fair for the Government to take advantage and not give the doctors a good working environment?.. I mean doesn’t every individual deserve respect?.. I am trying not to take sides.. I am not supposed to for my project.. But I am definitely on the side of the doctors.. The Government is playing big bully.. Gees its getting to me i have to do something about it... cant wait to be a journalist have so much pent up inside me.. Can’t wait to write.. To write as a weapon for society.. Violence is definitely not the answer... but we sure need a revolution.. in every area of our lives.. Education, governance, defence, corporations, business... all of us need one..
But not one like in Rang De Basanti.. Where the generation only awakens to fall back to sleep while their lovers watched planes fly over their heads somewhere in scenic rural Punjab.. Guys .. All you Indians (me included) we do have to do something..
I am not saying this because of some mild euphoric revolutionary ideas birthed in me because of the doctor’s strike.. This whole semester been dealing with crime, page three, communalism and trade unions.. Trust me most of us don't have the real picture.. We have only the tip of the iceberg...
So start a revolution with the need to know... the need to know more than what the media says.. More than what your parents, teachers, elders, opinion makers say.. C’mon rise up people.. Not only the young.. The old.. Not only women but men.. Not only guys but girls.. Not only the marginalized the rich... c’mon everybody who lives and breathes wake up...
I had this inside me a lot.. Just had to let it out.. I don’t think I am wrong to believe this.. I don’t think idealism should die.. It drives one towards perfection.. Maybe we will never reach perfection but atleast we will reach closer to it.... pull up your socks people.. Its time...