From darkness to true love's light

She dreamt a dream of a perfect love with a man,
Her dream became real as real as ever can,
A sweet friendship blossomed to stand the test,
Seemed so real, Ecstasy, she ignored all the rest.
But she didn't see the grey in the violet sky,
The colours of love for him left her to cry.
Red for the violence, blue for the lust,
She was wrong to think in man to trust.
For the first time she gave it all,
Only to be beat up and take the fall.
Black for the darkness that tried to eat her,
White for the sweet nothings that beat her,
Brown for the mud on which she lay facewards,
Transparent the tears for a love that went waywards.
Looking at a knife to release her from this life.
Her corpse beckoned to a vast sea by her strife.

Then suddenly like a sunray of hope,
When her life lost all its scope,
Jesus spoke in a voice so clear,
It calmed down all  pain and fear,
You give up your life in haste,
Without thinking what you would waste,
I gave up my life for you to have life,
I bore the pain to give you strength in strife,
You know my promises yet you chose the world,
No human is perfect and Holy as I am Holy,
Only through me can you overcome the worldly.
She threw the knife lifted from drunken to sober,
Dead to her old self, renewed for His glory to conquer,
A new creation, she lived for Jesus completely,
He taught her His ways and she did greatly.

As per God's will she found the one meant to be,
He said your the bone of my bones, can you see,
They prayed, they fasted and sought Gods advice,
To start together the work of ministry, and rise,
Together in love they laboured being perfected each day,
Both realised they wouldn't want life any other way.

A prayer

God confirm Your prophesy,

Give me a vision so I can see clearly.

Haven’t I been saved from the curse?

Why am I being attacked much worse?

Why do the ones I love suffer in front of me?

And yet I can’t reach out - a feeling of inadequacy.

I wanted to spread my arms around them,

But my arms fall short, increaseth the chaos and tandem.

My voice remains unheard again trapped, stuck,

I put my trust in You and not in fortune or luck.

I am on my knees, I surrender it all,

I need you to be my Rock to stand tall,

Take away these emotions dry them totally,

Forgive all the fault You find within me.

Lord don’t restore me to the one I love,

But please help them know Your there above,

Renew their trust in You like never before,

Give them hope for what’s in store.

I can’t reach out so Lord do it for me,

I sacrifice my joy place it on the altar for thee.

Take it my Lord as I let go,

What's really in my heart only You know.

Oh Whatever!

Holding a porcupine in my hand,
It pushes me further into the sinking sand
I'm gasping for breath, but no struggle
I lied for the first time but  does it matter?
I'm going to lie from now on for a starter
No I won't let go just to satisfy your guilt
Not man enough to filter others opinion filth
Cant stand on your own too feet and take a stand
I'm angry but I stand strong just for you
Try your best I am here to stay as my promise true
Your pretense is an Oscar winner for sure
Don't underestimate me I can endure

I am drenched in vanilla twilight (courtesy: Vanilla twilight- Owl City)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JE0HovpAzw

The stars lean down to kiss you

And I lie awake and miss you

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly

But I'll miss your arms around me

I'd send a postcard to you, dear

Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue

But it's not the same without you

Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad

Till I look at my hands and feel sad

Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways

Though I haven't slept in two days

Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight

I'll sit on the front porch all night

Waist deep in thought because when

I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink

I'll think of you tonight

(Tonight, tonight, tonight...)

I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter

And heavy wings grow lighter

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew

But I swear I won't forget you

Oh if my voice could reach back through the past

I'd whisper in your ear:

"Oh darling I wish you were here"

Running thoughts

Well forgive me today I am going to be downright honest about what I feel. Certain things in my life especially those that happened around my teens and pre-teens has bugged me to the core... I have dealt with this anger and overcame it, but a certain incident has reopened my wounds and has caused me stress with interest..

Why cant people just be real? Why cant they be honest? Why cant they be satisfied with the little things in life? why is the measure of happiness based on their bank balances and wallets? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy????????

Has family lost its value? Is love just meant for fairytales in their dictionaries? Where is the childhood where a kid a can be a kid and not have to prove they are super genius? When a kid achieves something for their folks where's that appreciation hug or kiss? Where's the fathers who really cared to provide beyond money? Where are the mothers who protected their kids beyond their lives? Where are the siblings who love laughed played and supported each other? WHEREEEEE??????????

Am I a fool? Have I dreamed a dream? Is it too simple? Is it stupid? I just wanna shut myself in a vacuum and scream, cry, yell .. I want a punching bag that i can punch till it has no filling left in it... I feel like a kid throwing a tantrum.. But allow me to cos i couldn't be much of a kid when I should've been...  If no one likes it.. too bad its your problem not mine...

Look down upon me for my grandparents and parents mistakes all you like but remember you may be missing out on a chance to know me... I am not my father, I am not my mother, I am not my sister, I am not my brother, I am not my aunt, I am not my uncle, I am not my cousin sister, I am not like any of my grandparents.. I AM ME.. an individual.. genes carry traits but personality is developed by my choices... Who am I?
I am me.. Love me, Hate me or ignore me, but remember I am capable of loving, living and proving your judgments wrong.. I may not be great, but I always work towards improving myself and getting an edge not to trample someone else, but to better my life and to make the lives of the people I love easier..
Yes I love to death, I like to adore, I hate evil, i dislike presumptions... I am not ordinary or one amongst the crowd, I was created unique, I didn't evolve from a monkey, I was formed in my mother's womb for a special purpose.. There have been times I wanted to end my life and I am not scared to say it, but i have grown over that and realised how special life can be... I have learnt that to wait for true love is rewarding... I have learnt that there's beauty in the ashes. I have learnt that life always takes a new turn when u least expect.. What's going to happen?? I do not know.. I don't want to know because astrology is a curse I am satisfied in knowing that a surprise is waiting for me and in the end when the plan unfolds it will make sense.. Thank you God for making my life so beautiful. I don't feel angry anymore because I am reminded about the beauty in my life... So thank you God.. and sorry for the mindless ramble.. Just thoughts as they were running in my head. I have got my peace, so I am going back to living life.

Fading

The voices are getting louder
Heart is beating faster
The pain is cutting deeper
Breath is getting heavier

Insides are turning
The wide world is tumbling
Voice and strength are failing
Now its getting darker, fading

Misery of distance

Was your voice a whisper in the dark?
Was your smile a figment of my imagination?
Was your shadow a phantom flying about?
Were you a ghost of my own making?

The answer is no, your just far away.
How long till I have you with me?
How do I bear this separation?
Will we survive this distance?

My words don't even rhyme,
As I write these lines,
The rhythm is gone out of me.
Await I the day we meet.

Expression (August 29, 2006)

Words all that had to be said to reach out

Love that had to be shown and not hidden

Dreams that got buried along with you

Tears i wish i could stop but nothing helps

Laughter that once gave life haunts me on

Memories sweet shattered along with the windshield

Friendship that is paused till I breath my last here

Changes come with your absence are hard to accept

Secrets only for you locked up in my heart untold

Wedding dress buried never to be worn at your wedding

Road to your funeral mass breaks me everytime

Relief yet to be found , So help me God

He is good (December 04, 2005)

Sweet music to soothe the soul,

love it when the Lord's in control.
i found comfort  in  His presence,
Where i learnt most of life's lessons.
He is enthroned in our praises
lift Him up as the music raises

 

He is good, He is good
and His love endures forever

 

The world is out to get you
pull you down and make you blue
But trust in Him for the world He has overcome
Victory in Him is reality, why doubt him its cumbersome

No one can love you like he did, paid with his life

For you alone, became healing, took away your strife

To the true one (December 04, 2005)

Sometimes in our walk of life we take a wrong turn

Striving in vain, realising late there's nothing to earn

Why did i take my eyes of my crown at the finishing line

Why did i turn away from my true love so perfect and fine

What was I running away from only tiring myself out

Running from the land of living water never dying sprout

Just because the world didnt agree with my view

Why did I turn away from something i knew was true

I wanna come back so i run to you

You accept me back merciful and true

Here I am in full surrender, a living sacrifice

From now on your in control, you roll the dice

Traditional day (December 05, 2005)

Its 2:30 am right now and im still wondering if i shud go to college tomorrow esp since its traditional day.... part of me wants to go n take a chance but part of me knows that im not strong enough to face it... not because of something horrible that happened on the day... but because of the memories it brings... memories i can never relive... its been so long and ive been tryn to cope with the losses in my life... one of them being the sister n best friend.

 

I remember traditional day 2002 as vivid as vivd can get... dressin up in a sleeveless salwar wearing traditional jewellery... eyeliner for the first time (Lydia's mom had put it on for me)... my new hair cut was awesome was all set for an awesome day... looking very different... there Nelli was all stunning in a stol, halter neck n skirt(very traditional looking) i remember meetin up with all my JC mates ... we all hit the dance floor jiving our hearts out...

 

we were all so young innocent naive and were havin the best day of our lives... Little did we know that senior college would take a toll on us... growin up also brought in complications (boys and heartbreak)...... that day we were truly ourselves just havin fun .. the last day i can remember when we all had no regrets, no hurt, no hitches... we were free n wild

 

 

That traditional day we spent the whole day together poured our hearts out... everything was out our lives crystal clear to each other.... cried n laughed in euphoria n ecstacy.... we felt like we should never let go... i know we never wanted to... but life took its own turn

 

 

Everythng was fine until a 'K' 'A' and 'C' came into our lives... a turmoil of events...... then the separation as i had to part ways to go to Cal.... was like i was leaving Mumbai forever.. the day i left she was there gave me a locket n showed she cared she was one of the few people who actually came to see me off.... Nelli was there with a hug ill never forget n a promise of being there forever... a promise on a piece of paper i still hold dear ...... then it went all dry when i was in cal ... was difficult to stay in touch esp since i was grounded beyond one's imagination..... (wasnt allowed to talk to neone much .. not allowed to go out at all except with my lisa n to the shop n all this with an escort) i cried everyy night every day and prayed with all my heart,,,, not for mercy in my situation but only for one thing i  wanted to see my friends again.. wanted to go back to collegein Mumbai...

 

God did finally answer alll my prayers.... i was back in town... lost touch with em but tried sooo desperately to get in touch ... after about 4 or 5 months i did... by then i had so much to tell em .... we met up n shared our hearts out all over again ..... but things changed ... we all turned cold.. no fault of ours... the distance grew.... college started ,,, by Gods grace i managed to fight my way back to Xaviers.... but it meant new classmates n a course that got too hectic with very different from theirs.... many other problems came in .. we tried hard to keep us goin .. never let go till the end (i still cant let go)

She gave me my first and the only surprise party till date (felt so precious).. hehehe i already knew about the party cos my guest list was hard to create without them goin via me.. esp since i had about 50 potential invitees and mom finally let it out so i could dit the list without hurtin neone....... but it still felt precious that she thought of pullin it off... she didnt know tht i already knew about it... so i played the whole im sooo surprised gig....

 

then we both got busy ... all the events i was doin took most of my time... made her a part of my life as much as i cud...... still wasnt enuff,,...... then a major tiff between her  n two of my otha close frnds... put my heart n soul to bring em to reconcile... finally afta 2 months they managed to start talkin to each other again....

then there were the exams .. afta which i called her n we decided to meet up n catch up on sooo much we needed to tell each other..... the last words i ever heard from her were - " Ill call you next week Thursday before good friday.... we will meet up... call you later"

 

A calll i never received a meeting that would never be ....... the calll from an unexpected voice in a weird tone- She died

 

A shock i still bear, pain i still feel no matter how much people tell me to move on.... easy to say.. when i have to face each day without someone i held precious everyday... someone who became a pat of me suddenly cut away(imagine a body part cut off).. imagine walkin your friend in her wedding dress only to her grave ... imagine all the shattered dreams... we planned to see each other married happily... even named her kids.....

 

That traditional day will never be again... not without her... i cant face it .. i just cant sooo everybody stop asking me why i cant go...... im not strong enough... ill just go out n do something different might do something crazy something different ull will see soon... so let the traditional day be where its at... may someone have the same fun i had that day todayy in this traditional day but never face the pain i had tooo...

 

Ive leanrt one thing is you never stop missing someone.... you never move on esp when you love that person... so spare me all the 'Forget it alll' n 'move on' talk ... had it ... i know its been two years since but i never want to forget her ... she lives in my memories... i want her to live... so let me be

The 'we' we had is toast (December 11, 2005)

Why did you not read between the lines?

Shouldve looked deep into my eyes.

But made the situation only prickly as pines.

Never strained to hear my heart's true cries.

 

Was hurt for many made promises untrue,

But took a chance on you, took a mighty risk,

Trust was the key word in my love for you.

People say should discard this like a scratched disc.

 

 

You said you'd hold on to what we had real tight,

Wanted to stand up and go against the flow,

But my dear you just gave up without a fight,

All you had to do was to hold my hand & not let go.

 

You never stopped me from leaving,

When i walked out you just stood and watched,

The sight of your tears keeps me grieving,

It was in your hands to stop it being torched.

 

 

Do u want to know why i ran away?

It was 'cause you gave up so easily.

You never even asked me to stay.

I said it had to be over, you didnt disagree.

 

 

Ive given you enough time, Im moving along.

Didnt make out when i needed you the most,

Decided Im better off alone writing my own song,

So as off now, you and me is totally burnt toast.

 

-Azriela

Rambling of my mind today (December 16 , 2005)

Dear Minu,

 

wanted to speak to you but circumstances wont allow... today was the day we planned. we planned it when we were 18 ... freedom. freedom that coems with being 21... doesnt make sense now cause i dont really feel free nemore... but nuttin usually goes the way we plan it.... just wish i could tell you how much i  miss you... i miss seeing your smile .. miss your laughter (as unique as it ever was)... i miss the wamrth the friendship the care.... i know you wudve been there right now... no matter the distance if you knew i needed u... but i guess youll  probably never know

alll the unspoken words bottled deep inside.... wish i just had that one chance that last shot... so i cud tell you how much you mean to me... your my sister... n not one day goes by tht i havent thought bout you.... just wish i cud tell you but take comfort tht you already knew..... i face each day tryin to be strong atleast for the people around... remember you called me your pillar but never got the chance to tell you that you were my strength too.

thanks for the times you stood up for me.. the times you stood with me ... most people alive today lack what you had... the ability to love to love with all your heart... whoever you loved you loved em with zeal... i was priviledge to be loved like that... so many why's and how come's but they dont matter anymore cause all that matters was i met you on this journey called life and thats whts counts.. you coloured my life with a unique blend and shade ... no matter what people say i will never forget you.

all those moments happy and painful ill never forget... we saw each other laugh, we saw each other cry and even saw each other smile and thorw tantrums.... such a short while - 4 years seemed like i knew you forever... girl you were the best friend anyone cud have.. im glad i had you.. im not goin to move on... im goin to remember each moment and be content with what we had... ull always be alive in my thoughts... the only freedom i have is to think what i want to n i will think bout you...

 

you want me to be happy i know that only wish i cud here you say that with that warmm hug with you hands clasped around my shoulder.. n your deep voice consoling me ... but for now ill settle down dreamin and thinkin bout what i had... cause what we had was so precious it will last me a lifetime... thank you sooo much - wanted to tell you that but it was too late... So illl thank God who allowed me to meet up with ya in the first place....

Look at what youve done (November 17, 2005)

I rested on your shoulder for strength

But you dusted me off like i was dirt on you

you removed all tht i cud hold on too

all this in a single moment

 

i made you my angel, an angel of love n light

but in reality you brought in hate n darkness

now im thirsting for water in a dry land

watchin you in the oasis

 

I gave you my best you took it all away

left me empty handed, lost n hungry

Now im too scared to turn to anyone

they might bite

Maybe (November 20,2005)

Dreams shatter like glass into pieces so tiny,

The sound of a heart break echoes in a dark, lonely alley.

Simple things to make me happy, a prince, a part of my illusions

I had everything but your love, I didnt want ur money, ur delusions

Didnt want much just wanted to love you thats all

You made it seem not worth it left my hand n let me fall

 

Chorus:

I  may be broken but im healing

Maybe lost but im surely finding

Maybe sad but im smilin

Maybe hurt but Im growing stronger

Dont want to get back any longer

 

I thought Id be selfish if i let go of you n set myself free

But i only hurt myself, went blind n i just couldnt see

I kept telling myself love meant compromise and sacrifice

Tried to give you my all, it made me start to despise

I changed for you, I wasnt me anymore

Had enough and im walkin out the door

 

 

Your the reason (November 20, 2005)

G C D

 

 

 

Your the reason why Im livin for

Every Step i take i cant ignore

You make me feel alive again

As I dance i feel the rain

Clouds pave my way as i walk

I glow with love for you as we talk

 

 

your the reason (3)

Im living for

 

 

And as years pass me by

Until and after i die

I wanna keep knowing you

You make me feel brand new

I wish i could undrstand why

This way i feel but i dont cry (cos)

 

your the reaon(3)

Im living for

Speed (November 23, 2005)

I almost forgot what speed felt like

Everyday life acting like a spike

But it hit me like a dawning day

That hurdles made me astray

Almost lost all my passion

Lost alll the satisfaction

But someone up there understood

The one thing bring me in the mood

the one thing my heart longed for

In time when life was a low score

Speed always set me free

It always let me be me

No regrets  no looking back

On the road ahead ready for atttack

Nothing can come in my way

Ill be too fast to hear what they say

I feel like myself free and wild

The wakening of the  inner child

No more i bopw to suppression

That develops into depression

Moving onward just the road and me

Speed and I we are meant to be

hmmm.. do we need titles all the time? (November 29, 2005)

A restless storm in my heart

A tornado in my stomach

Pressure crush from all sides

Unseen chains holding me

Darkness surrounds all i can see

Yet a light a hope keeping me strong

No spells or potions .. just rest

Nothing to do with any devotions

My passion remains buried inside

Waiting to come out in vain

All this is for nothing they tell me

Voices to discourage surround

Yet a hand carrying me through

Bombay’s Own Duck – A Fish!! (October 9, 2005)

(A food that does not refer to a duck but a fish)

                 It’s been about 14 years since I have first met Bombay’s (Mumbai’s) unique fish - the Bombay Duck.  My Grandmom had prepared a special dish on my first visit to Bombay, which was ‘Bombay Duck Khadi’, also known as, ‘Bombil ki Kadi’ . My 6-year-old tummy was grumbling for a nice dish that was a preparation related to the species of Donald duck. I absolutely love duck preparations and couldn’t wait to taste one made in Indian Style. I was served a heapful of rice and then came the curry. When I took a bite of the duck it turned out to be a slimy fish with bones so tender you could bite them. It gave me quiet a shock. After a few morsels, I began to like this fish.

The Bombay Duck abounds in the rivers and estuaries around the Bombay docks. This fish is gray-white and could easily pass as one of nature's wonders - its flesh is unique in texture, soft and translucent, and looks almost devoid of any muscles. After cooking it turns superb white and flaky. The fish has a central bone that is very soft and most of its bones are wiry and gelatinous. It has very sharp teeth and may look as dangerous as a shark but its size makes it less fearsome. As for freshness, the Bombay Duck tends to be very smelly if stale; the limpness goes down and the skin texture changes to a pallid buff colour. Another test of freshness would be to lift the gill flap and find see if the gills have their pink-red colour intact.

This narrow, usually 6 to 8 inches long, fish is caught in November and December; the processing goes on from December until March. Under normal cooking conditions the fresh bombil fish is almost rendered to a pulp (bones and all). It can also be dipped in batter and deep-fried. Fisherfolk follow a principle of preparing for the monsoon. Since there is going to be no fishing during the months of rain, they dry, salt and store seafood to consume and sell to people who cannot do without it when there is no fresh catch of the day. Bombay Duck is prepared in two ways. The whole fish is washed clean, split, boned, and dried in the sun. The drying is done on scaffolds made from bamboo poles fixed in the sand. These poles bear bars tied with thick ropes horizontally in lines one above the other. This is the method adopted for the local market. For exports, the fish is filleted and packed in polythene.

                One of the greatest mysteries behind the Bombay Duck is how it got its name. This fish, which is native to the Bombay area, is known locally as ‘Bommaloe Macchi’ or ‘Bombil’. Other variations of its name include bombila, bummelo, bombelli and shutki. It is said that this was too hard for the British, who once ruled India, to pronounce. Thus, it became Bombay Duck.  Farrukh Dhondy, in his book titled ‘Bombay Duck’ writes,

“Bombay Duck is not a duck at all. In fact, it should be spelt ‘Bombay Dak’. What it is, is dried fish (known in Bombay as Bombil) and when the British introduced the railway system to western India under their Raj, it started going in wagon loads to the interior from Bombay. The crates stank of dried fish. They were marked `Bombay Dak' literally `Bombay Mail'. At the time the railway was run by Whiteys. The English may call a spade a spade, but they don't call `stinking fish' by its name. They referred to it euphemistically as ‘Bombay Dak', the Bombay Mail.”

                         How is the Bombay Duck related with the city of Mumbai? As we know Bombay was renamed Mumbai in 1995 officially. So the fish has a lot to do with the name of the city. The Portuguese name ‘Bombaim’ meaning good bay, was said to be from where the name ‘Bombay’ was derived. However, some say that back in 1662, John Vian named it Bombay, after the slimy, little fish, bombelli. This name appeared upon the rupee introduced by the English in 1667. There are others that say it was the fish that took its name from the city and not vice-a-versa. At first, the British exported this fish from the Bombay port. Its existence was made known to the world through these exports. Now, the Bombay Duck is available almost in all countries of the world.

Currently it was found out that many rich vegetarians in Bombay are turning sections of their city into meat-free zones - to the indignation of meat eaters barred from living there. Housing complexes and whole neighborhoods in India's most cosmopolitan city are going vegetarian. They even made many new flat owners, to sign an agreement that they would not eat or cook meat in the vicinity. Failing to do this, the other residents would be able to get them thrown out. The regional Hindu nationalist party, the Shiv Sena who stepped in to fight the cause of meat eaters used The Bombay Duck, known for its pungent odour as a weapon to fight this discrimination against non-vegetarians. Pramod Navalkar a leader of the Shiv Sena said, 'This nonsense will not do! If I come to know of new vegetarian buildings, I'll send the occupants Bombay Duck'

 The Bombay Duck came under scrutiny in August 2003, after a study conducted by the Marine Science Department of Calcutta University and the Metallurgical Engineering Department of Jadavpur University. This study showed that, the mercury content in the kidney and liver of the fish ranged between 1.18 to 1.20 mg/kg. This was way above the safe limit of 1 mg/kg set by the WHO. However, if one removes the intestines and liver of the fish then one can eat it with no burden of worry. The nutritional benefits of the Bombay Duck outweigh this avoidable risk as 100gms of the edible portion of dried Bombay duck provides 61.7gms of protein, 4gms of fat, 15.1gms of minerals, 2.5gms of carbohydrates, 293kcal, 1389mgs of calcium, 240mgs of phosphorous, 19.1mgs of iron.

            The Bombay Duck has come through the years with a long history connected with Mumbai and it looks like it has a long way to go with its large number of its fans in Mumbai and around the world. 

In This Golden Valley I Grow (September 30, 2005)

                     Sometimes life seems hard to bear
                      Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
                       It's then I have to remember
                  That it's in this golden valley I grow


                  If I always stayed on the mountain top
                        And never experienced pain
                    I would never appreciate God's love
                        And would be living in vain


                          I have so much to learn
                        And my growth is very slow
                    Sometimes I need the mountain tops
                   But it's in this golden valley I grow


                        I do not always understand
                       Why things happen as they do
                      But I am very sure of one thing
                        My Lord will see me through


                        My little valley is nothing
                    When I picture Christ on the cross
                    He went through the valley of death
                       His victory was Satan's loss


                     Forgive me Lord, for complaining
                       When I'm feeling so very low
                      Just give me a gentle reminder
                  That it's in this golden valley I grow


                      Continue to strengthen me, Lord
                         And use my life each day
                      To share your love with others
                       And help them find their way


                        Thank you for valleys, Lord
                         For this one thing I know
                      The mountain tops are glorious
                   But it is in this golden valley I grow!

 

                 REMEMBER  Thru what Valley or Mountain...
          The shortest distance between a problem and a solution
              is the distance between your knees and the floor
                      The one who kneels to the Lord
                          can stand up to anything

Im back (A post from August 26, 2005)

Been real long since ive kept ya'll posted,

With my submissions, tied down, toasted.

Everyday I think ill put up a line or two,

It all remains thoughts not much ado.

Long time my songs didnt rhyme,

No guitar, no song, No chime.

Music almost gave up,now back on track,

Couldn't move on without it, im back.

Fill me I feel useless, empty Lord,

Music our connection, my reward.

Help me be faithful with all the gifts,

Even if the earth from under shifts.

I wont give up, give me strength,

Fix the errors and my heart's big dent

The process

From the time since scrapped knees and teary tantrums were regulars to the routine life of an office-goer, I have learnt so many things. Today especially I am haunted by the words my mother told me when I was 16 when all that mattered were my friends.


She said, "Be careful not to get close to too many. Find the few and far between who stand the test of time like diamonds in the coal." I brisked it off thinking what mom was really saying is study more and hang out less with friends. Little did I know this would lead to many disasters in my life. But then these disasters have taught me so much and have made me realised while searching for the diamonds amidst the coal you do get your self stained black and suffer cuts and bruises along the way. But as my grandpa always said - "we are all sculptures and the trials of life chip away the unwanted parts of our life and we stand in the end a beautiful sculpture of God." The same was reinstated in my being when I got to know God and I turned from being an atheist witch practitioner to God fearing Christ loving, Bible believing spiritual being.


So in other words the people that hurt me, I can turn back to them and thank them. And moreover cherish those who stuck by with me through all these years. Sure we had fall outs, but the coming back confirmed a strong bond. I am also reminded about this line from the Bible in Proverbs (a wisdom filled chapter) it says in Proverbs 27:6 - 'Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.'


So friends hurt us, maybe they say things we don't like, but we should appreciate what they are saying if it helps us. But beware in your choice of calling someone friend, because the person may most likely be an enemy if she/he has hidden motives behind what they are telling you. As years have passed by I have realised the importance of testing relationships and getting rid of the ones that pull me down like excess baggage.. Everyone has known me to be forgiving and someone you can always run back to when you want. Well here's some news people, you can run back whenever you want and yes I will forgive, but your place in my life would be secondary and the trust, love and respect I probably had for you a few days, months or even years ago would be much less. I may be forgiving, but I am not foolish. In college was known to be the 'sweet' girl and even taken advantage of willingly and quite knowledgeably, but I have evolved as an adult.


The past one year has been evident of that and I have shocked myself. I have learnt that I am sensitive to the core yet strong and in-charge of my emotions (discovered I could successfully numb myself down and smile even when all I really feel like doing is to curl up and cry like a little baby). Another thing I realised is bitterness is something we all deal with is an area that has to be dealt with not ignored and left in a corner to pile on one after another. The piling up of bitterness finally culminates into something I call a potential-eruptive-volcano ala emotions. Once we learn to look beyond bitterness (something I'm still coping with) there's a freedom and growth that heals away the wounds of our soul. I have accomplished this only by the grace of God and in my conversations with Him, realised how to let go. To be honest there are two people in my life that I have so much bitterness towards that it feels impossible to let go off. So much so I get frustrated with myself sometimes. But then I realised the hurt they have caused me has sculpted me in such a way that I am able to deal with certain things better than most people. So yeay!! bring on the chipping process my dear God.. It's in your plan and process of making me close to perfect, so that all that's human may know about a living God working in my life.

Separating the distance

The sky and earth met at the horizon,

What a beautiful, wonderful collision!

Then came the stars to sparkle the time,

The flowers bloomed and it all did rhyme.

The twilight explained the mirth of the moment,

With red and orange, a shout of joy was lent,

A gasp of wonder at the vastness of space,

If only I could have you here, to see your face.

Calm your heart ‘cause soon the one you long for will be in your arms,

Calm your mind ‘cause soon everyone be used to it, no alarms.

Breathe with me; let’s go, nice and slow,

As time goes by, our love will grow.

Now the darkness of the night is here,

Your far, I realise, I am filled with fear.

I need you to lie right here beside me,

Just to hear you breathe, just to be,

Close enough to hear your heart beat,

So I can rise from weakness to my feet.

I know you feel the fear and the darkness too,

You're scared, but remember our love is true.

Annabelle & Blake I

Lady Annabelle and Sir Blake,
Their love is beautiful, not fake.
In a world where tongues are knives,
And people do not value their lives,
They found each other not to let go,
A promise so strong, time will show,
Blake do not distrust your lady,
Her heart beats for you only.
Annabelle do not lose your head
He is true about the promises said.
Love so strong, yet still to connect,
Love in dreams, cooked by intellect,
But so real, more than reality,
Hang on you both are meant to be.

The hope

I tried to reach out to a love that blood bound,

I tried to reach out to my roots from lost to found,

But it was not in the plan to allow me to go,

I wonder why, but I have no clue, really don't know.

Then in the cold darkness of loss a till calm voice

I have to hear, He is my master, I have no choice

He calmly says trust me she's safe with me

No more pain, sickness, longing nor misery

A beautiful promise, now the tears are dry

Comfort words make sure I'm strong when I cry

A sunset on earth is a sunrise in heaven,

Now I am coping seven times seven.

Soothing my heart

My Seraphim on his harp

What a sight to behold

My heart was cut so sharp

The night was coldest cold

But the music he played for me

A mixed emotion of tear and glee

He played on till he saw me smile

He promises to stay on the long mile

Even more unto eternity

God has truly blessed me

Calming the storm

Suddenly the storm turned to a cyclone,
And the tornadoes made my skies dark.
I almost thought I was all alone,
The air started to bite like a shark.

Then I heard your voice from afar,
Felt your embrace surround me,
You saved me from becoming char,
In your arms I was meant to be.

God sent you're definitely not a chance,
You're not a coincidence, an  accident,
You're for whom I saved the last dance.
This had to be, it was completely meant.

You, me and the night

These days the stars shine so bright,
It's you and me, no one else at night.
You speak words, and sometimes its silent,
You calm my heart down when it gets violent
Its almost like I'm sleeping right beside you
Everyday the same yet each day is so new
Waiting for the day when its no more a dream
When I truly have you in my arms, my light beam

Q & A

Something really beautiful has happened to me. I really can't put it in words. I don't think words from any language, but the heavenly one could describe what I feel. It's not just the way I feel, it's about how everything just automatically falls in place. Now my past seems to have a pattern, that was all developing into what this is today. I have no regrets of the past anymore. I have learned. And all I have learned I'm going to use to make this new turn in my life work.


I am not saying I have no fears and I have no issues, I am saying I found someone with whom I will make it through. So far its been an awesome two weeks. People say its too soon to say. But I say never ever felt this sure about anything. The best part its mutual. Life's situations, the outlook on life, the way we deal with things are all a perfect match. The music and art flowing out of him, is jsut so beautiful to me, it makes my life so gorgeous. I don't know how long I have on earth, but I thank him for making one of the most difficult moments of my life beautiful. Most of all thank God for him. This is not a consequence, an accident, a mistake. This was meant to be. He is my Questy and I am his Azee (Q & A). :)

(C) Rita Ghose

The longing

What is this price I have to pay?

Words are heavy don't know what to say.

When the wind brushes by my face,

Its like your caress, you sitting next to my space.

And as we sit amongst the galaxies,

Your my star, the only one I want to please.

I would do anything just to hear your voice

But in such circumstance, there's no choice

Thousand faces, encircle, they surround me,

But my seraphim, yours is the only one I want to see.

Take my hand love, lets leave everything behind,

I don't want to reason, think, or use my mind.

I just want you here by my side,

Forever in your heart to abide

This weird distance really kills me inside out

Im so restless, want to let go an endless shout

(C) Rita Ghose

Angie's rhyme on my feelings

It's been two days and I've really been restless... My only true solace has been Angie who patiently listened to my anguish.. She took liberty of expressing this in a poem.. The one that is published below.. Love you for this Angie and for your soothing words, without which I probably would have turned pscyho... Thanks for understanding me.

 I miss you

When the rain tumbles down on me,

The drops gently kissing my lips,

I miss you.

When moist pearls of dew glimmer in the morning light,

And I feel their sweetness on my fingertips,

I miss you.

When the moon casts its silver spell,

On my lonely heart,

I miss you.

When two doves twitter to each other,

Promises to never be apart,

I miss you.

I miss your arms around me,

I miss your caress, your smile, your touch,

I miss the way you say my name,

I miss you... so much!

-- (C) Angie

To Angie Paul

A few weeks ago came across a warm smile

A connection that got us talking in a while

A woman so magnificent in strength

Yet her compassion goes beyond length

All I can say proud to be a sister, a friend

Knowing her each day is new, a joy no end

It was meant to be since the first day

A special blessing upon her I pray

She makes my day, and as passes by time

Hope she will always remember this rhyme

Cos she is truly a woman so special and unique

Hope she knows I'm there when things go bleak

(C) Rita Ghose

I stick by you

I closed my eyes, this time I pictured you running away

But then I remind myself that you promised to always stay

Like weapons these thoughts piercing as arrows

Suddenly my sunny day are full of dark shadows

I fight against my mind, because I know you're true

My mind is a battlefield, but don't worry, I trust you

The past mocks me, says I never learn

Says I will surely be tortured and burn

But I really don't have concern for myself anymore,

I have surrendered myself to you, the one I adore.

Your the most precious, I can't afford to lose,

Given the chance again, it's still you I'd choose

(C) Rita Ghose

Worth the wait

I tried to reach out, there was no one around,

I was alone, there was not a pindrop sound.

I used to shiver in the dark, then you calmed me,

For the first time after long someone sees what I see.

Your one of a kind, for you there's no category,

But as always something falls short and can't be.

So what do we do, where do we go from here,

It's worth the effort, let's kill the dreaded fear.

No one knows what the future can hold,

Good or bad, its a mystery to unfold.

But why think of the future and past,

When today is a long day to last?

No breaks!!

Just when you think of taking breaks

Breathe! life will be raising the stakes

I am done with one task then comes ten

Conquer the eiffel, awaits you is the Big Ben

But why complain and fret

This is the only life you get

Fish never stop swimming till death

So back to work after catching a breath
(c) Rita Ghose

Cut it out

Your rooted inside me
You just won't let me be
So I take a knife to cut you right out
You scream in pain, you give a shout
I have no mercy left
You're charged with theft
You stole my trust in humanity
You tortured me now let me free

Virtual dating

Something so simple yet so advanced hit me in the face today...
Technology has taken over every aspect of our lives.. Yeh sure we get
technology to do almost anything even automatically flush our toilets,
but now it's entered our social scene. No, I am in no ways referring
to social networking sites. Just imagine dating yet your date isn't
even in the same country as you...
Well it happened on this very day... from South to South East Asia..
One coffee shop in a mall to another coffee shop in a city suburb..
Wireless internet connection and laptops to aid.. Two people
connected on a completely different level.
One evening after about a year of knowing each other as virtual
friends, they decided why not try a virtual date. They would be seeing
each other for the first time but on webcam. So the time was fixed and
the venues as well. There they were coffees in each other's hand and
time passed them by and they didn't even know it. The result a perfect
date. No complications as simple as ABC. Ill give it a try sometime...
:D